Straitjacket’s in the wash
Top o’ th marnin’ to ya and I do mean top. The hours are only beginning to wee and here I am wide-eyed as I’ve ever been, totally not ready to sleep. I thought I’d better get in and post something new, even if it’s stupid, to avoid loading the last post’s comments section even more. When I sat at my computer desk last night, I noticed the monitor leaning to one side, grunting a little and panting, poor thing. Somehow, I’ve found myself in one of the most verbose communities of emigas y emigos I could imagine and I’m just delighted. You’re divine connections, every one. Chatty, but divine.
@ Just FYI, but I might be going insane. I swear I hear a radio somewhere. You know that indistinguishable sound of voices buzzing faintly through headphones? It’s THAT kind of noise. Actually, I’m probably going insane, so never mind.
@ I feel like we’re On Frozen Pond, and I’m doing figure eights around the big, white elephant plopped in the middle. I’ll be ready to tell you all that’s happening with Scott’s job soon; hopefully by the end of the day. Little threads must be snipped and you’ll understand why when you see the finished garment. I promise to tell all.
@ Oh, here’s something silly to share with the class: some of my search strings. Search strings are the threads that lead from my site back to a word, or a phrase, that someone looked up online. For example: if you Google the word “underwear,” a fragillion descriptions of sites containing the word “underwear” will pop up, as well as their links. I’m sad I didn’t do this earlier, because some of the best ones have been replaced by more boring, stilted offerings. However, a few remain:
* girl grabber
* “how to dress as a woman”
* images of green bugars
* kelly hot or not (a personal favorite. or not.)
* julianne moore+feet+toes+picture (perv!)
* Napoleon dynamite wish had Jesse’s girl
* “sucking my thumb”
And my all-time favorite:
* kelly is she mine lord
@ I haven’t had coffee with Jean for a couple weeks. Since Scott’s been home, I haven’t done a lot of what I usually do. He’s got to think I’m a total bum, because when he’s home all I do is sit at the computer. It’s totally different when he’s at work. Totally. Totally. Which reminds me: I’d better get that load of jeans out of the washer and into the dryer. It’s been 3-4 days… Also, I had a tiny bit of a headache yesterday and that’s why I stayed in my pajamas.
@ If you turn up the radio real loud, you won’t hear that horrible squealing noise in the engine.
@ Martin who? Sigh.
@ We currently have six boxes of cereal in the cupboard. Don’t ask me how this happened.
@ But no milk.
@ We found out recently that Captain Video has a new deal: 5 movies, 5 nights, $5.50, and they have the best selection of indies I’ve ever seen. However, last night we didn’t get any of them. We got the loserly ones. Some stupid one about blah blah and another one starring whozee and another blah blat blech. Boring wastes of time. I did buy a VHS for a buck, though, called Coffee and Cigarettes, and while most of the eleven vignettes were only so-so, a couple stood out and I’m still thinking about them. The one with Alfred Molina and Steve Coogan was classic. So was the first one, featuring Steven Wright and Roberto Benigni, and the one near the middle with Cate Blanchett. Oh, who’s boring now? If you like quirky films, it’s worth renting, okay?
G’night chickies. See you later this morning. xo
September 30th, 2005 06:34
I have heard of those “search strings” and would like to place one on my blog - do you know how to do that?
I have 6 boxes of cereal in my cabinet but that is on purpose…try the new special K with yogurt/fruit. It ROCKS.
So Kelly - you hear voices do you? Don’t worry you’re not alone or insane - I hear them too. By the way - can you wash my straightjacket too? I like mine dried on the permapress cycle to get the wrinkles out.
September 30th, 2005 08:16
I’ve totally forgotten how to do search strings. Sigh.
Waiting for the white elephant….
September 30th, 2005 08:26
Yeah, the radio thing. It happens to me once in a blue moon, when I haven’t had enough sleep. Tune in, and see what you get. We are all human antennas, after all.
September 30th, 2005 09:32
Hey, I have at least 6 boxes of cereal in my cabinet too. And no milk! Package from me to you goes out tomorrow.
September 30th, 2005 09:55
Wow, this is a first! I have nothing to write in the comments section. Just a sec while I review your post…
Okay, I’m back. I can’t wait to hear about Scott and his white elephant! And it’s okay, I totally know what you mean about having a spouse home. Charles used to work days and then it wasn’t a problem. But when he switched to Swings (3:30-11pm) I found it so hard to get anything done. We’re still working on that problem.
September 30th, 2005 10:39
Waiting, praying, loving, waiting, praying, loving, waiting…
September 30th, 2005 12:45
Flip - Special K with yogurt/fruit. Check. I’ll add it to my buggy, but probably forget the milk. The search string is part of my Wordpress stats page. I have no idea how any of that works. If it’s not in front of my face, it doesn’t exist. Except for God. ~ Scott took my straitjacket out of the washer without REwashing it so now it smells mildewy. Since I have to wash it again, I can throw yours in with it. What’s a permapress cycle?
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Search strings are related to g-strings which are now called thongs which used to be the word for flip-flops. It’s a confusing world, Chrissy. ~ Soon….
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Chris - It could have been a blue moon last night; I didn’t check. Sometimes my finger talks to me. Oh, which reminds me: we have these crayons you can use to write on the tub, and when I pulled back the curtain to take a shower this morning I was confronted with the word REDRUM. It freaked me out, and I’m going to kill my son for writing it! I scrubbed it out and wrote a big, blue JESUS over the top.
Heathy - Yay, presents! My toes are dancing! ~ I’m really hungry, too, but my hair’s wet and I don’t want to go out to get milk. Can you milk cats? Wait, I think it’s been established you can milk anything with nipples, right?
(Wait. Can I say nipples online? *she asks the girl who once said ‘vagina’ on hers)
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Jenn - It is REALLY hard to get stuff done with Scott home, because in the past when he’s been home it’s been either the weekend, or vacation, so my mind kicks into relaxation mode. It’s only half a tick away from that, anyway, and it doesn’t take a lot to push me over. I just try to keep him busy doing chores, while I continue my important writing work. I pretty much have him fooled. xo
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Davydd - How are you feeling today? You DO know you’re a sweetheart, don’t you?
September 30th, 2005 13:07
Six boxes of cereal is nothin’, babe. We’ve always got at least ten opened. My kids are totally cereal fiends. And then there are Asia’s boxes, which he keeps separate, on top of the fridge so no one eats them. It’s really insane. The grocery stores have cereal sales here once every couple of months… the boxes are only $1.69 each. I go crazy, pushing my buggy with three of each of their favorite kinds. I always feel embarrassed when I go by the people who have maybe four boxes and they look at my 50 boxes.
I totally let my kids eat sugared cereal. Lorraine’s kids LOVE to come to my house.
September 30th, 2005 13:38
Cath - Just when I think we’re excessive, I meet someone who gives new meaning to the word.
We eat lots of cereal too. I just read a study that said teenaged girls who eat cereal every morning are thinner than those who don’t. Therefore, I eat it twenty times a day. It hasn’t helped, though. Maybe because I’m in my twenties.
Hey, the more sugar the better!
September 30th, 2005 13:45
You’re in your twenties!!! Wow, I was thinking getting close to the fourth decade. Oh wait, 40 is the new 20 - got it.
In my experience, too many boxes of cereal and no milk is the men’s fault. NO REALLY. Because they always leave exactly 2 tablespoons of cereal in the bottom and then start a new box. Actually, I’m impressed that you don’t have the correspondeing 1 1/2 teaspoons of milk left in the jug in the fridge.
I love having your post at my place today. P&L
September 30th, 2005 14:11
Permapress cycle is a gift from the laundry goddess - it is a special drier cycle that gets all the wrinkles out of your clothes. So instead of “timed dry” or whatever, you choose this special cycle on the dial of the dryer and “voila” clothes with no wrinkles. I never use an iron.
September 30th, 2005 14:19
I’m well rested, thanks, Kelly. I axyully gottsum rytin dun. All speld owt now. Yeehah!
Still waiting…:)
September 30th, 2005 15:00
Hello Kelly Well,
I am a secret lurking fan of your blog!
I relate to you because I have one son
who is in a bad-ass rock band, and another
one in the military who will be headed to
Iraq Abu-Ghraib prison to dispense meds to
the inmates. I pray that your husband finds
a job soon, and just wanted to let you know that I really relate to a lot of the things
you say. I toast my wine glass to you!
Have a great day and for crying out loud,
take off those pj’s and get some clothes on
and go out and smell the roses, or whatever you got to smell there in NC!
p.s. one little teensy weensy thang though,
emigos and emigas == if you are spelling friends in espanol, that would be amigos and amigas. tsk tsk.
September 30th, 2005 15:16
Nancy, I was totally not going to tell them that!
Newbie, and she’s already jumpin’ your stuff, Kellster……
September 30th, 2005 16:14
Emigo and Emiga comes from Brando’s site. It is a special term for Internet buddies e-mail and amigo/a put together. It makes it faster!
Kelly, today at the store I was totally thinking of you while I was in the cereal aisle. I got a tad bit carried away. Now we have /she goes to the cupboard to check/ seven boxes.
twytie (hehe), Charles must have learned from Tom about leaving the requisite 2 tablespoons and the milk thing. Argh! Is this something taught at husband school?
September 30th, 2005 17:23
No way! I don’t have milk. Pah! Yeuch. Nasty dairy tummy-ache stuff. But I’ll eat dry cereal until the cows come home. In fact, I’m chomping on mini wheats right now. Sorry for typing with my mouffull.
September 30th, 2005 18:01
WELL..SINCE I’M SUCH A HOG AND EVERYTHING, I THINK I’LL WRITE TODAY IN CAPS AND TAKE UP EVEN MORE SPACE!!! BTW—I HAVE 6 GALLONS OF MILK AND NO CEREAL, SO LET’S DO AN OLD REESES PEANUT BUTTER CUP COMMERCIAL. COME ON OVER AND LET’S GET THESE TWO TOGETHER!!! (Someone asked about the ribs????you asked moi? Miss Constant Comment?)
September 30th, 2005 20:01
I am intrigued. You must update pronto.
Yes, we are taught that some cereal must remain in the cereal box, so that the rats and other small creatures will have something to eat in the trash. This is crucial to our existence because if not for our slimy antics the little rodents would have died many moons ago and without such beings running around our purpose as defenders of the house is brought into question. This could lead the authorities that de down a dangerous path, a path we as males do not want explored.
September 30th, 2005 21:18
Aha! Now I know what your secret is. Does it work for wasps as well, Naked Warrior?
You know, today Charles seems to be in a serious, exert male dominance mood. I wonder what I have done to make him question this?
October 1st, 2005 00:15
It’s official. All I am is the warden of this particular nut house. My computer’s been down all day, and when I come back, I find you’ve all run riot. Straitjackets for every ONE of you!
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Even you Nancy, for unnecessarily chastising me about my spelling. Glad Jenn put that right.
Welcome to the party! I hope your son stays safe, please God. ~ Badass as in hardcore? ~ I actually did get dressed today, AND did my hair, AND put makeup on. And I smell fabulous!
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Twytie - Oops, almost had you fooled. Darn! I tell you guys too much. ~ You know, actually it’s SCOTT who got the double batch of cereal this time; he must not have noticed the three boxes I’d bought earlier. And TORIE’S the one who leaves, and then drinks, the last inch and a half of milk from the jug, if you can believe it. ~ I popped over to your post earlier; it was surreal seeing my words on your site!
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Flippety - THAT will be my cycle of choice from now on. Better than that OTHER cycle we have to endure, knowwhatImean? xo
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Davydd - So you SPEAK Welsh, too? You’re so talented!
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Chrissy - The Newbie’s jumpin’ my stuff? C-dog, you’re my new homey. I’m keepin’ you wid me at ALL times. xo
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Jenn - Thank you for correcting all these uninformed harveys. SEVEN? Yep, you win. In fact, we can’t really count one of our boxes, because it’s pretty old. It’s Raisin Bran and I don’t think anyone’s gonna eat it at this point. Maybe I’ll make cookies. For the dogs.
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Davydd - It’s less interesting than typing with your eyebrows.
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Robs Robs Robs - Don’t be mad. You’re yelling at me when you go ALL CAPS. The only reason I would call you a comments hog behind your back is because I KNOW you read every single comment looking for your name and I wanted to make you happy.
~ Did you have a good day, Red Crossing? xo
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Chaz - I will. Right this minute, in fact. I’m not like SOME people who hold a carrot out in front of people’s noses and then yank it away, laughing maniacally. Hmm? Hmm? ~ As far as your cereal defense goes, how does it feel knowing you could be replaced by a really good CAT?
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Jenn - Heh heh, naked warrior. Keep in the bedroom, girl.
And to all, a goodnight. This is the light, clicking off…. xo
October 3rd, 2005 16:40
Ha ha!
My bad about the emigo/emiga thang!
Should’ve known better,
me and my big texan mouth!
Okay, I’ll go back to my quiet lurking…
and just enjoying what you have to say.
You and yours be blessed today!
October 3rd, 2005 20:03
Nancy - No, keep commenting! You’re a Texan, you’re close to Mexico, you’re entitled!
(You be blessed, too!)