Stigmata, Stigmahtah
There’s no need to ever be lonely, I thought as I stood in my granny nightgown, droopy sweater, and fuzzy slippers - waving goodbye to Scott and Torie as they drove away in the pickup this morning. Around my legs swirled two big labs, one ratty terrior mix, and three mewling cats - all vying for my attention and breakfast. I didn’t even have one pet until I was 12. How did this happen? I felt like Joan of Arc. Wait - was she the saint who attracted all the animals? Or was that St. Francis of Assisi? Or Bernadette? I don’t know. I felt like a saint, let’s just leave it at that.
Speaking of saints - or not, actually - we rented Stigmata the other night. Sigh. Gabriel Byrne was at his handsomest, and if that wasn’t enough to disable me, was also clad in a priest’s cassock. I’m sorry, but a handsome man in a priest’s cassock is every Catholic girl’s fantasy, and you’d better admit that right now, or you can’t be my friend because you’re a liar. Okay, I’m not Catholic, but it’s also every Protestant girl’s fantasy. Trust me, we Protestant girls are not dreaming about Pat Boone in his white shoes and matching belt. If you are, I beg you not to tell me. The movie itself was excellent, I thought - very organic in feel.
In fact, we watched another organic movie last night, Copycat, starring Holly Hunter and Signourney Weaver. Both of these older movies pointed out the absolute deficiency in movies nowadays - they have no soul - so it’s no wonder box office receipts are down. The movies are empty. What happened? If I was a filmmaker, I’d be doing whatever I could to figure it out.
This is just a little aside, since I mentioned my supposed sainthood. Actually, it may be because I come across as more of an innocent than a saint; I don’t know. But for some reason, people at the video store feel the need to warn me about the movies I’m renting. I rented Copycat and the lady behind the counter told me, “It’s kind of scary…” Well, yeah. I can read the back, but thank you. “I LIKE scary!” is what I told her. And when I rented Dogma, the guy behind the counter said, “It’s kind of blasphemous…” Well yeah. I can read the back, but thank you. “I LIKE blasphemy!” is what I - honest-to-God - told him. I think I’m trying too hard, and I will never achieve sainthood at this rate.
@ If I was a scientist, I’d be working with whoever’s doing cloning these days. Or if I had unlimited riches, I’d just go ahead and pay to have myself cloned, without doing the work myself. I’ve figured out that I need four of me. One to write my book, another to spend all day blogging et al. Yet another to keep my household running smoothly, and the fourth to create things with my hands. I could probably multiply and divide myself even more, but I think four would suffice. I don’t want to get greedy. If I’m working on sainthood, I have to remember gluttony is a sin.
@ I told Jesse the other day that when I die, I’m willing him my books. He said, “I just hope I have time to read them all.” Then I told him I’m willing him all my journals, too. He said, “I probably won’t read those.” Uh-huh. NEXT.
@ I was cleaning off my night table this morning and came across one of my innumerable lists. It made me laugh:
* Poem to Jean
* Pies to Lorraine
* Become Episcopalian
* Air Conditioner
@ Today - right after I’m done here - I’m going to organize the bills to suit me, since I’ll be taking them over once Scott’s in Nantucket. I did them way back when we were first married, but decided at some point that he needed to take over - probably when I was on my third pregnancy and rooted to the couch in a depressed stupor. Probably then. Anyway, I’m a leetle concerned about my ability to juggle them properly these days, considering the number of little gray cells that have died off since I did them before. The other day I was at the thrift store, where I bought a couple books. The total came to $1.07. I handed the lady a $5 and - feeling magnanimous - said, “Just give me $4 back.” She said, “Okay!” and then paused, with a puzzled look on her face. With my usual acumen, I suddenly realized I had betrayed my utter math retardation and cried out, “I mean $3! $3! Give me back $3!” She laughed good-naturedly, so I added, “I should have asked for $10, huh?” Smiling brightly, she leaned forward and whispered, “Just get out of my store.”
Not really. She giggled. She’s a good one. I only wish I could stay home out of harm’s way. Love to everyone today! xo
November 1st, 2005 10:29
Your list made me laugh!
I’ve heard that creative brains are best at math, but I beg to differ- I think creative artistic types play with the elementals too much, doing neat backflips with numbers, as they do with everything else. So, it SEEMS like it should be $4 instead of 3. Until the left brain kicks the right, and says shut up goof, you’ve been breathing those paint fumes again.
Numbers take offense at being made acrobatic.
Though how transmorgifying into an Episcopalian got in there, I have no idea.
(*tell me I can do link code on here and it will work? please?*)
November 1st, 2005 10:30
Arggh. I messed it up. I think I left a space in there, or something….
Learn all about transmorgifying HERE!: http://www.theheartofgold.org/jumpstation/
November 1st, 2005 10:30
As many lists as I’ve made, I don’t think any of them have contained “become Episcopalian”. Especially not wedged between the aircon and some pies (not me, the list item).
Thank you, saint K-lee, for the best kind of post to end my blogreading day with.
November 1st, 2005 10:47
Oh Kelly! Don’t stay home; you make harm’s way a better place. I do NOT like scary movies. I have never seen one. Ever. I do, however, still have nightmares with Robert Stack’s voice talking about Unsolved Mysteries. I did not cry when Robert Stack died. I’m sorry; I didn’t. When you clone yourself, send one of you my way.
November 1st, 2005 11:24
Chrissy - You’re so sweet to try to make me feel better, but I accept my disability. I’m nearly hopeless at elementary math. Nearly. Hopeless. Geometry and algebra I can do, once I understand the concepts. But not your basic ASDM. I should have listened to more Bach when I was little. ~ I know, the Episcopalian item is what cracked me up; what a weirdo to think I could just up and join the church that day, between grocery shopping and picking the kids up from school. I have been thinking of becoming one this afternoon though. ~ I wish I could transmogrify into Hobbes.xo
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Michie - So, if I ended your day, did you dream about me? Just wondering. And was I wearing a cassock?, ’cause I really want one. Do you know where I can find a priest store? Sleep tight, pal. xo
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Heathy - I’m not crrrazy about scary movies, either - though I really like the suspenseful, psychological kind. Except anything with Hannibal Lector in it. I don’t like those. Don’t feel bad about not crying when Robert Stack died. I absolve you. ~ You’ll get my cutest, funniest clone, okay? xo
November 1st, 2005 12:37
Pies? You were going to send pies in the mail? I’m so lost but thanks for the thought. I think I’m touched. Banana cream is a favorite.
November 1st, 2005 12:41
My wife pays all of our bills.
Let me correct that. My wife submits the payments for all of our bills.
It’s a good thing, too. I’d never remember. Do they have wireless Internet in the homeless shelters?
Hello, Kelly.
November 1st, 2005 12:50
Lorraine, I have NO EARTHLY IDEA what that meant. I’ve been wracking my brain all morning, and you KNOW how hard that is for me. It honestly said “pies.” PIES. Why would I be sending you PIES?? But if I ever do, it’ll for sure be banana cream, if I don’t eat it first.xo
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That’s why I married me a sugar daddy. I should have married a rich one, though. Duh. I guess I’ll find out if there’s wireless internet in the homeless shelter soon enough, and I’ll be sure to let you know. Somehow.
Hello there, Scott.
November 1st, 2005 12:51
I haven’t seen Gabriel Bryne in Stigmata, but would he be a good prototype for my x-priest?
November 1st, 2005 13:01
I’m sorry, Jean, but you can’t have Gabriel Byrne. The minute Scott leaves, I’m packing up to stalk him, as soon as I find out where he lives. However, yes, okay - as a prototype, definitely. xo
November 1st, 2005 13:49
Kel -
thanks for making me laugh. I sorely needed to do so….my middle child was in an accident today. I think the car is totalled, but she seems to be ok. My friend Dana used to be an EMT and I made her leave work (shame on me) and go with me to pick Kelsey up and check her out.
We are all calming down now, and I’m reading blogs to get my head back in the game.
I can so relate to the movie references. Like I’m so dumb I can’t read a movie box? Yeah. Hmmm…… But hey, maybe they do get people who just rent stuff cuz they’ve heard it’s good and don’t bother to find out other info about the movie, get offended, come back and yell at the lady at the counter….
And speaking of animals - ya want another dog? He is in a very defiant stage. And bratty. Yesterday, after asking to go out 5 times in an hour and doing nothing more than barking to come back in I had had it. So time 6 of course was for real, and since I didn’t believe him I ignored him. To get me back he stared defiantly into my eyes and peed on the carpet….
The bills - oh shoot….gotta go put em in the mail….
later!
November 1st, 2005 14:05
My first question was about the pies as well… I really wanted to know if you actually sent pies in the mail - but that’s been answered already, so I’ll move on to my next question.
Who the heck is Gabriel Byrne? You talk about him all the time and I’m quite sure I’ve never seen him in anything, or if I did, he made no impression on me whatsoever. You must recommend his best movie to me and I promise I’ll go out this weekend and rent it, just so we can continue our little friendship here. For I’m quite sure you would disown me if I didn’t…
As far as the math and correct change - I’m hopeless. In highschool I worked at “Alice’s Drive In,” where I worked the cash register. It didn’t have the function that told me how much change to give out and I was SO good at taking those odd amounts people gave me and giving back correct change every time. Now, if someone gives me $11.01 on a $10.76 total, I just stare blankly at the money and thank the Saints that the register at the store will tell me exactly what change to give back… I’m quite hopeless that I’ll ever regain any of the higher math skills I mastered in high school - I’m dumber with each passing year.
November 1st, 2005 14:38
Karen - I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter! I’m glad she’s okay, but big fat BUMMER about your car. Yikes. And insurance, but we don’t have to talk about that now, do we?
~ I’m a regular at this particular video store, and I guess they think they know me by now, but why they say the things they do, I have no idea. I mean, there’s really no limit to what I rent (barring NC-17s or Xs); it’s not like I’m hanging out in the G section. It’s funny. ~ Oh no nononono; I emphatically want zero more dogs. If I wouldn’t miss their faces so much I’d get rid of mine, they’re so much work. If we had a fenced yard, it’d be easier, but we don’t so I have to put them on a leash to let them pee, or stick them in their kennel. But it’s winter and it’s shaded and I just can’t leave them out there now. Urgh. xo
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Cath - Before my first job as a hostess at a restaurant, I practiced endlessly with my brother, making him “pay” me so I could make change. Even with all that I was a complete idiot. I’ll never stand behind a cash register again, unless I’m robbing it. ~ Let me say right now, I’m disappointed in you. Except for my last two posts mentioning G.B., I’ve linked his name to a picture so you could see who he was for yourself, if you didn’t already know. And to think you don’t know - why, that’s just incredible. Let me think of his most famous movie…. hmm… Have you seen Usual Suspects? The Man in the Iron Mask? Or my favorite (besides Stigmata), Miller’s Crossing? Lorraine doesn’t see the attraction, but that’s okay - all for me, then. xo (It just occurred to me that maybe you don’t know the bold lettering indicates a link. Click on the G.B., and you’ll see what I mean!)
November 1st, 2005 15:52
Okay - let me say first - yes, I know that the link indicates a link - what kind of internet idiot do you think I am…?
After clicking on the link above, I recognize the face, but only because I think I’ve clicked on a link from you before. Still, nothin’.
I think of those movies you listed, the only one I’ve seen is The Man in the Iron Mask - and it was eons ago.
He’s a little wrinkly, don’tcha think? He doesn’t look nearly as sexy as Christopher Plummer.
I’ll still see if I can find Stigmata this weekend and give it a go.
November 1st, 2005 16:07
OMG - you’re comparing GB to CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER?? Like I said yesterday, there’s no accounting for the difference in taste. Besides, Gabriel Byrne is Irish and I HATE it when he uses another accent, except for when he spoke Spanish in Stigmata, which was incredibly sexy of him. And what are you? Ageist?? When I’m a little wrinkly, are you going to eschew ME?
Oh, disclaimer: Stigmata is kind of blasphemous. But you’ll find out when you read the back. xo
November 1st, 2005 16:13
Um, Cathy. I love you. Just so you know my dukes are down.
November 1st, 2005 16:18
Cathy, I’m here to back you up! I don’t know GB either. I have gone to your links Kelly and it doesn’t register. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single GB movie. Shame on me. One of these days I shall.
Who needs a clone to do housework? That’s what maids are for!! Except that Charles is a cruel husband who sees no need for a maid. Oh, do clones have to receive human rights? Can we keep them in cages and take them out on walks to pee? Must they be fed every day? Just curious.
Math was never my strong suit. That’s where Charles comes in. Well… he can do ASMD and since that’s about all we need, it’s his job. I just smile and look pretty.
Shall I google priest store?
November 1st, 2005 16:20
Look what I found! Hoffman Robes.
How do I make that shorter?
November 1st, 2005 16:21
Obviously, I’m not ageist - have you seen Christopher Plummer lately?
And aren’t you already a little wrinkly? Cause I am…
I had to go look up Stigmata on a Catholic website after reading the message board at IMDB… wow - those Catholics sure have lots of exciting stuff that happens to them, eh?
I know you love me.
I love you too.
November 1st, 2005 16:41
Oh my gosh - Jenn - did you read their mission statement???
“We will offer only those garments which heighten appearance, instill confidence, and enhance the ‘presence’ of the wearer.”
I gotta get me one of those!
November 1st, 2005 17:37
Jenns - I don’t mean I have GB on as a permanent link, but whenever I’ve mentioned him, I’ve linked his name. That is, most of the time. He’s in rather obscure movies, but honestly - I thought EVERYONE knew who he was. How funny. We’re so egocentric, aren’t we? What do you mean you don’t know orange is my favorite color???
~ It’s funny you mentioned maids, because SCOTT actually suggested I get one. “Yeah, right,” I said. “I’d feel guilty because I’d know that my poor maid has to clean her OWN house when she gets home from my hog’s trough.” ~ Jenn, I like your job description. I think that’s one job I could do; and in fact, have pretty much been doing it for twenty years. Sigh. Do you wonder why I’m kind of dreading my hubs departure? He’s the one who thinks I’m prettiest, these days. At least pretty enough to enslave himself to. ~ I’ll try to make the link shorter for you, and then I’ll check it out. xo
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Cath - Really really really? You like Christopher Plummer? To be honest, that makes me throw up a little in my mouth, but I’m sure he’s a nice man. ~ Time to get some vitamin E tablets, girl - only make sure they’re the ones without oil added. Rub them directly into your skin, and they will make your wrinkles disappear, no lie. ~ I know, I’m so jealous. I want to be Catholic! Or Episcopalian. xo
November 1st, 2005 18:42
Okay. I’m for GB all the way. LOVE his accent. He’s the BOMB. But Christopher Plumber? Well, I just won’t say anymore on that subject! lol
November 1st, 2005 19:08
Chris. Finally, another sane person. But if it came down to the two of us vying for him, I’d have to fight ye. You don’t mind, do you?
xo
November 2nd, 2005 03:02
Hey, he’s just one on a list of many. You had first dibbs. I’ll just go to the next one on my list!
November 2nd, 2005 08:34
How pathetic am I, picking a fight with a pal over a celebrity crush? It’s a good thing we DON’T have cable. The movies are doing me in, as it is. (Who’s the next on your list?) xo
November 2nd, 2005 08:38
Neutrogena’s anti-wrinkle stuff. With SPF.
I use it, and most 25 year olds have more wrinkles than me (kind to think of it, I’ve seen a 21 year old with more wrinkles…).
And I’m telling you, doing that contemplative prayer has eased out some of the fine lines, too!
November 2nd, 2005 09:43
Hi Kelly. I enjoyed the post. Have a great day.
November 2nd, 2005 09:44
BTW, I love the new look of the site!
November 2nd, 2005 09:58
I use Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion and people think I’m 17, so I think it works. My mom uses it too (if I remember correctly) and people think she’s my sister, so I think it really works.
November 2nd, 2005 10:00
Chrissy - I’ll try that, too. Now that I’m over 40 (dear God in heaven) I’m always on the lookout for anti-aging anything that I can afford. I LOVE vitamin E though; it’s the best ever. It’s made wrinkles disappear from around my eyes. It’s a miracle. And yes, hanging out with God in PEACE erases stress wrinkles, too. Plus, scads of makeup. LOVE that makeup.
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Chris - Where’ve you been? But I’m not screeching…
I honestly thought you’d gone away, and had even given up checking your site for new entries, except for very occasionally. I’ll head over there as soon as I can. How’s the remodel going? And thank you - I like the new look a TON too. Way more ‘me’. xo
November 2nd, 2005 10:06
Jenns - Okay, I’m getting some of that, too. I’ll be one greased up monkey, but dang - I’m going to look good… Or at least 13. Either way. xo
November 2nd, 2005 11:20
Jenn- your site says you’re 23. If you’re worrying about wrinkles at 23, yer killin me!
Go out and have some fun!
Don’t worry about wrinkles, yet!
You’re way too young to think about getting old!
Just slather on a bit of sunscreen and scoot!
There is a life out there to be lived!
(hey, you know what, Kelly, I could be saying that about US, too- I suspect we’ll be card-carrying members of the Purple Hat Society. Or the Red Hat Society. Whatever, it sounds like fun!)
November 2nd, 2005 12:15
aaahhh…thrift shops….you should just write a whole entry about them….
November 2nd, 2005 12:40
I was already struggling to keep it together after picturing the look on the face of the lady at the video store……and then that list.
Man alive, that did me in once and for all.
Pies to Lorraine
Become Episcopalian
Priceless.
November 2nd, 2005 12:46
Christine, I am 23. I’m not WORRIED about getting old. I’m actually looking forward to it. But I am taking care of my skin. Having soft skin is one of my vanities.
I do go out and enjoy life! After all, by the time as was 16 I had lived in 4 countries. I plan on making more my home. I also burn easily, so sunscreen is always taken into account.
November 2nd, 2005 19:39
Kelly, the next on my list, and it’s not in any certain order mind you but I’ll share a few with you: Patrick Dempsey, Vin Deisel, The Rock, Benjamin Bratt, Johnny Depp…See! I have a few to play with…I mean choose from!
November 2nd, 2005 20:07
Chrissety - I have EVERY intention of wearing whatever I want when I’m 42. I’ll never wear purple, though - I just don’t like it. Except as eye shadow, because it brings out my green eyes so handily. Red though, oh yes. Red Leather Everything R Me. xo
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Mindy, I’ve never seen any fiberglass cows there, though; have you? But other than that major downside, thrift stores are the best, aren’t they? I just love them. Tomorrow I’ll list the treasures I got on our bike ride today. xo
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Forgotto - I STILL laugh when I see that list, and there’s nothing better than laughing at something you’ve written yourself, is there? You just feel so superior. Hahahaha!!! Okay, not superior, just tickled. I thought this was a pretty funny post, myself.
Humbly, of course.
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Jenns, by the time you’re Chrissy’s and my age (OLD) you are going to be drop-dead gorgeous because you don’t use baby oil and a foil screen at 2p on hot summer afternoons to get a tan every day of the summer for the freshest years of your life, like WE did. If it wasn’t for the miracle vitamin E tablet, I’d have to paperclip the skin back just so I could see out. xo
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Chris (all! these! Chrisses!), Patrick Dempsey is cute NOW, but he used to be buttock (though I’m sure he was a nice young man then, too). Your other guys are cute, but for me, there’s no there there, except for Johnny Depp, who’s undeniable gorgeous but not my romantic type. After Le Byrne, comes Alfred Molina, my new celebrity sweetheart. He has that charming manner that’s warm and genuine, and sparkly brown eyes that zing with life. I feel like such a pathetic loser, but whatever. I’m used to it. xo
November 2nd, 2005 20:23
Hello, that’s me caught up with yesterday’s post (that I was too tired to comprehend then) and all 37(!) comments. And now I’m wobbling off bedwards. Sorry I’m so boring - I’m all written off. I mean out. Or something. Glad you’re happy and making more sense than I am. x
November 2nd, 2005 21:50
I need about twenty clones right now, possibly more. I want my two dollars!! Two dollars!! My brain capacity has reached its limit. Shutting down.
November 3rd, 2005 07:45
Dav - We will never write you off, and that’s a promise. Unless you get all Jack the Ripper on us, which I can’t imagine. I hope yesterday’s writing frenzy went well, and didn’t destroy you too badly. When you’re finally published, and rich, you can hire someone to record your next books while you lie in bed sucking down martinis and chocolates, dictating them. Now that’s something to shoot for, in my book.
xo
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Chaz, I’m just happy whenever you come up for air to say something here. You COULD use 20 clones and I’d be delighted to send you a couple of mine but I’m afraid they would do you no good at all, since they’re utterly math retarded, as has been established. I suppose one COULD write your papers for you, but knowing your current prof, the clone’d probably get you Fs, and I suppose another one COULD do all your driving around, but that’s probably about it. I could send one to snuggle with Jenn, but I’m sure you want to do that yourself. So, sorry. It seems that all I can do is just try to make you laugh occasionally, or even cry. Whatever makes you happy.
xo