Another yankable post
Good morning, friends. It feels cozy this morning. I drove home and put my jammies back on straightaway, nudged the heat up a couple notches, poured a second cup of coffee, and contemplated my day. The dining table still has all its leaves in from Thanksgiving. It’s a magnificent, huge, spanish-style table we bought when we were first married from the mother of someone Scott worked with. It cost us $300, extends to about 1000 feet, and came with eight chairs. I say “came with” - because through the years, and the unremitting efforts of wild children, the chairs have dwindled down to four wobbly, scratched, and buffeted remainders. One day I’d like to buy a completely new dining set, and use this fat old table as a desk. One day.
But today, I need to put everything back in its place. The orange paint that works so beautifully in the dark hallway looks terrible in the kitchen: too gold. I’ve plumbed the magical depths of Wal-Mart’s paint section, so this time I really do need to take a trip to Sherwin Williams and pick up something spicy, something called “Cayenne” or “Paprika.” Lorraine will be laughing her butt off, because that’s exactly what she told me to do a couple years ago and I mocked her to her face. To her face. Or maybe over the phone. I don’t remember.
Yeah, last night was really fun. I got off the phone with someone, and immediately stomped into the bathroom where I yelled at a cricket that was staring up at me from the floor, “Nobody ever F*ING asks me how I am!!!” I waited a couple ticks in case the cricket wanted to sing me an encouraging song, as it looked intelligent enough - with its bright, beady eyes - but it didn’t so I left. Maybe I should have put my ear closer to the floor. Anyway, I was really yelling at God, so it doesn’t matter.
It’s disheartening; people don’t know how to communicate very well. I’m not talking about you guys - there’s something intrinsic to the written word that invites courtesy. I’m talking about talking. This has been a thorn in my side for years now. I used to rattle on without stopping, never giving anyone the chance to ask questions, just spewing information out like so much stomach effluvium. But one day I wondered if anyone would ask, if given the chance, so I stopped rattling. I was friendly, but didn’t carry the burden of the conversation. And to my dismay, I found that only about 1% of my friends cared enough about me to even ask the initial and inane “hi, how are you?” Forget, “Now, tell me how you really are.” Even when I asked them a hundred questions about themselves, they didn’t catch a clue. Do I sound bitter? I am. I mean, I don’t feel it now - like I did last night - but the pain is still rumbling around in there.
If I sit back and analyze with objective eyes, I can see that I’m overreacting when I say that nobody cares about me. Lots of people do. They love to hear me rattle on; have even come to depend on it. They like to laugh when I’m silly, and even grieve with me when I’m sad. But, to feel really loved, it’s important to be asked.
Here I am at that familiar crossroads again, tired of carrying conversations, of taking care of people who should be adult enough to give at least as much as I do, and wondering if it’s worth going through another rather lonely patch to find myself again. Oh my God, this is turning into a tirade, and I didn’t mean it to. Yikes on a stick. I’m just lonely in the deepest places, and I don’t know what to do about it. I think I may even be lonely for me. That sounds weird, but somehow right.
So, I guess I’ll move the table back to where it was, and leave the couches where they are because the livingroom feels more open and inviting. I’ll buy new kitchen paint. And all day long I’ll think about what I wrote, and ask God to clue me in on what’s really going on inside me.
Does anyone else think it sucks that we know less as we grow older, not more? Maybe if we collectively fall on the floor, beat it with our arms and legs, and scream ’til we throw up, God will pay attention and give us what we want. No? You’re right; that never worked with my parents either. Love to you. xo
November 30th, 2005 10:02
Kelly, how are you really feeling today?
November 30th, 2005 10:04
Now that I’ve asked that, am I free to prattle on and on incesently? No? Well bye then.
Okay, I DO tend to be one of those people who really likes to talk and sometimes (almost always) I find myself dominating conversation. You aren’t surprised are you? I’m really working on it though and I really do care about my friends!
I care about you. I hope your day will be wonderful! The table sounds cool, even if the chairs are shot.
November 30th, 2005 10:14
A Couple of Observations
First of all, I think there are different kinds of people with different strengths and different weaknesses. Some people are great listeners. Some people aren’t. I think this is right and we shouldn’t hope to change it. We need our different types for different things. It does suck, though, when you need one type and you’ve only got another type.
Secondly, I know what you mean about growing older and knowing less. Here’s the thing, though: We don’t really know less, we know more. One of the things we know is that we don’t know everything. We didn’t know everything when we were younger either, we just thought we did. But we were wrong. Now we’re right. See, we know more.
Thoughful post, Kelly. It’s always a pleasure to read your writing.
And also this: Hello.
November 30th, 2005 10:19
Kel,
How are you today kiddo? No really - I wanna know! Cuz I experience the same phenomenon even with some of my closest friends and it really does suck. Sometimes I just wanna shake ‘em and say LOOK AT ME! LISTEN TO ME! I am hurting and you are in your own little world. Don’t get me wrong - I don’t mind listening, and truly hearing them, I’d just like some reciprocity occasionally! Plus afterwhile my head gets so stuffed with frustration and feeling bad myself that my ears become deaf to their wonka wonka wonking….
Oh! - I’m sooooooooooo selfish!
BTW I’m glad to hear that someone else yells at crickets….and God.
Hope today is a better day Kelly!
November 30th, 2005 10:29
I am soooo glad you wrote this post- a couple of weeks ago, I almost wrote one about this subject, but decided against it, because I would end up being rude and hurting people for no good reason. It wasn’t worth the rant. But I’ve been chewing on it ever since.
I sat down in the cafe at work, waited for a pause in conversation between my 2 nice coworkers who were there, and burst out, “For 2 weeks now, NOONE has been listening to me! Do I have ANY real friends???”
People were interrupting me, and NOT STOPPING interrupting me, once they’d figured out I was still talking. They were totally not asking me a thing about myself, would only talk about themselves, and then glaze over when I mentioned any friggin’ thing to do with me. I couldn’t find anyone who wanted to really talk about Other Things- you know, something other than themselves and the world that revolved around them!
I tried to rise above it. Tried to be all evolved, and talk about themthemthem, forget myself. But after weeks of it, I gave up on that, and just went around ranting in my head.
To tell you the truth, I’m still doing that. I keep wanting to ask the people I know in 3D life, “Are you interested in me at all? Because I’m getting the feeling you’re only pretending to listen, so you can keep me here by your show of politeness, so I’ll keep listening to you talk about you!”
I too found a dismal amount of people around me who were truly interested in what was going on with me. My coworker, Alice, my friend Max, and the people in my prayer and small groups.
The rest were a washup. They don’t care.
Arggh.
November 30th, 2005 10:32
Jenns, you win the prize for being first, AND for giving in to my obvious manipulative ploy for sympathy. In fact, I’m just going to go ahead and send you a lifetime supply of mint Chapstick. And now you may resume your prattling.
I guess I should have explained myself better, but I ADORE people who rattle. I’M a rattler, and I ADORE myself. It’s just that amongst the rattling, there must be asking. Give, take, give, take - a seesaw of enlightening interaction. I know it’s not important to everyone, but I want to walk away from a conversation with a friend knowing him/her better than I did before. Apparently, one of my love-languages (sorry, psychobabble) must be the need to be asked about myself. So, thank you for asking, punkin pie. I have a feeling that you convey love and interest even when you’re rattling. I’m going to get the real skinny from Twytie, though. xo
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Wise One. You’re right, of course. There are listeners, and there are talkers. And there are people like me, who are good at both (if I may say, and it’s my blog, so I will). I just don’t understand why people don’t want to know MORE about their loved ones. You know what I’m saying? If you and I were sitting at coffee, I would ask you about your wife, and your kids. I would ask about your parents, and your siblings. Where do you work? Do you enjoy where you work? Etc. Then I would begin asking you how you FEEL about things. For some reason, most of the people I know don’t even ask me the “whats.” Am I living in some strange zone of un-friend-ness? Maybe so; it’s possible…
I’m TOTALLY laughing at your explanationn about knowing. WONDERFUL. So, what you’re saying is that when we were young, we knew “zero” - and now that we’re old, we know “one.” I guess one thing to be sure of is enough to make it on the rest of our lives, isn’t it? I know enough math to figure THAT out. So, maybe I know “two.” And now I’m getting stupid. xo
Hello there, Scotty.
November 30th, 2005 10:33
So, ok, I just prattled on incessantly, along with Jenn, but doggone it, it’s been driving me insane, these people around me!
You’re right, the ones online seem to take more time to “listen”.
It’s been a good lesson for me. I now realize how important it is to listen to people, care about them. I’m trying to get past the resentment that they don’t do that, too!
November 30th, 2005 10:37
Cathy cowers quietly in the corner because she is most likely one of those non-asking people…
I come from a long line of non-talkers… and there are SO many times when I find myself in conversations with people and I cannot think of one thing to say. It’s like my brain is paralyzed. I was never really taught how to have a meaningful conversation and so it is a HUGE struggle for me.
It’s NEVER that I don’t care. It’s that I’m just now realizing my weakness in this area. I desperately want to improve this. But I suck. It’s not about selfishness for me - it’s about being inept.
This isn’t the pathetic diatribe it sounds like - I just wanted to give you another perspective. I DO care about my friends. But it is not conveyed well in my conversations with them… not yet at least.
I think this probably sounds all defensive.
I’m closing my eyes and grimmacing and pushing submit. Hope everyone still likes me when I open my eyes.
November 30th, 2005 10:40
Hey, Scott, you raise a good point- allow me to shoot down part of it, ok? Because you’re actual point will stand, still, ok? I’m just shooting down a branch.
Ready? Ok. Now, don’t be upset, because I’m agreeing with what you said, but you’ve made me think of something that I simply mustmustmust say:
it might be a character strength or weakness that makes us automatically listen or talk- but we’re supposed to learn when we’re in the sandbox that we have to care about others.
I’ve been getting a distinct lack of that feeling from people I’ve been calling friends, and that sucks.
Personality traits are the Startup kit, you agree? We have to hone things and improve the architecture from there.
Like Kellster and her orange kitchen. It was born Drywall White. It was then elevated by effort and taste and discernment and better understanding to a fine golden Orange, which will soon be honed to an even better Autumnal shade, because Sister knows what looks best, and is willing to take action to get it that way.
November 30th, 2005 10:45
Christine,
I agree. In the past I have been such a pathetic conversationalist. Like Cathy, small talk was excrutiating for me. But I am learning, and trying - making eye contact and truly, truly listening. Because I do care, and when I hear and understand I care even more. It’s probably partly an ADD thing that I come across to others at times as not giving them my full attention, but again I struggle, and I learn, and I practice - and it does get better.
I guess that’s why I get frustrated, cuz I figure if I work that hard at it the least others could do is make an effort to hear me….
And that’s kinda why this past month I have been so frustrated with my “friends”, my “community” - I needed them, and they weren’t there for me, yet they still expected me to be there for them….
November 30th, 2005 10:47
Karen, I’m doing better, because you guys ALWAYS make me feel better. You blog buds are the best. I’m wondering if we’re just too busy to go deep these days. I’m far less busy than most people, yet it’s still hard for me to sit still and let a conversation ferment. You know, a friend just popped to mind when I wrote that: he is so slooooow he drives me crazy, yet when he finally gets a sentence out, it’s a question about ME. So why am I such an asshole about his verbal dexterity? Geez. It’s going to be really good talking to you guys today. I mean, I’ll probably feel like crap, but crapping is good for us.
Hey, you know, I wonder what our friends say about US. Maybe we’re not the great conversationalists we think we are - look at how many of us are frustrated… Something that makes me go hmmm…. xo
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Chrissypie, oh honey, I KNOW. I went to a church years upon years ago (Riverside, hi Robs) that was very inner-healing oriented, and my friends and I were constantly asking each other how we were. We went to coffee and lunch and dinner JUST to have more time to talk to each other. I miss that deeply. What’s wrong with us, that so many are lonely, yet can’t connect? We connect when we blog, don’t we? Is it because we take the time to think our thoughts through? Is it because only people who relate to us tend to stick around? Yes and yes, of course. We’re more limited with those who live nearby, or who we work with. Even saying something doesn’t always work. Sometimes I think my demands are totally unrealistic, but other times I think I may be the only sane one. I can see there are lots of others who are struggling in the same way, and that makes me feel less alone, thus better. I love you tons. xo
November 30th, 2005 10:48
Karen, how stabbing to hear your story. I’m sorry that’s been happening to you. Whattabite. And it’s hard to find a way to nudge someone into actually listening.
I’ve come to the point where I’ve been looking for evidence that they care, rather than hope for their ears to be focused on me! If they show me that they care, in some other way, other than listening, I’m ok.
The shocking thing was finding out how many showed no signs of caring for us, the ones around them.
November 30th, 2005 10:52
Hmmm…here’s what I think. If we are in a teaching relationship with someone, like a student or our child, we direct our thoughts toward their development.
We always want to direct ourselves toward our own development as well.
With others, we would do better to just accept them the way they are. Etiquette, social skills, courtesy, these are things we should practice but not expect. We should only be disappointed in ourselves. We should accept others.
This is my opinion, and it is full of overstatement and imprecision and error, no doubt. Maybe there’s something good in there too, or maybe not.
Regardless, hello.
November 30th, 2005 10:52
Woohoo, we’re cookin’ now. I can’t keep up with you guys.
Cath, I SO APPRECIATE your perspective. I’ve suspected all along that the non-askers love me; like I said, they laugh at my silliness, cry at my pain. But I NEED TO BE ASKED! Maybe that’s a character weakness in me; it feels like a weakness. I wish I could be strong and shrug it off, but after awhile, I feel shutdown by the need for it. It’s good to hear the other’s perspective, isn’t it? To know that we’re starting OFF on the platform of love, and we can learn from there. xo
November 30th, 2005 10:56
Kellins, you’re right, I do feel better knowing/seeing that others are going through the same thing.
I recently asked 3 women I’m “work friends” with, “do you ever feel like you should be doing more than you’re doing?”
We were just sitting around together, on break at work. The thought suddenly occurred to me that I was spending an awful lot of time thinking I shoulda coulda woulda, and had resolved to break the habit, when I thought to ask them if they struggled with that, too.
The blank looks and murmurs I got were disheartening. And odd.
I’m pretty sure they feel the same way, at times. All of them are Single moms, divorced, struggling with the demands. We’re all pretty good friends, accepting and supportive, in a rather superficial way, since we only see each other at work.
But something held all of them back from having an even slightly in-depth conversation together.
Did it embarrass them? Had the question simply thrown them off? Freaked them out? Had they never considered it before? Did they just want to chat about Brad and Angelina? Dish about other people?
No clue what happened, but they kind of stumped on it.
November 30th, 2005 10:57
I guess, with any circle of friends, the coil gets tighter as it grows closer to the middle. We need to be accepting of everyone, as Scott says. Definitely. And we need those who can give us what we need. That seems to be the hard part. So, I’m asking, Why do I need what I need?
November 30th, 2005 10:58
Scott, definitely something good in there! It was what I’ve been trying to tell myself- “don’t expect it out of anyone but yourself” and all that.
But it’s still disheartening, yes?
Hello, battered but brave Scott~
November 30th, 2005 11:00
I think we need what affirms our existence. We need to feel counted for something important, valuable, and we tend to feel that in certain areas. So, while one person might need attention in general, even bad attention, another person might need to be allowed to show how smart they are about growing moss, and another might need to be allowed to rattle on for hours about their cousin’s new kitten.
But I guess we all need to feel waves of “hi, I see you, and I like you and I care about you, you nice person!”
November 30th, 2005 11:00
Chrissy, how the HELL do you get your thoughts out as fast as you do? Okay, yes, I KNOW I freak some of my friends out with my questions. Maybe, like Cathy, they never experienced being asked them before. No one encouraged them to talk, to dig deep. I have a friend who’s just discovering that her head and her heart aren’t connected; she can’t even define her emotions. So, I guess that takes us back to Scott’s assertion that we need to be accepting - and maybe there’s a place for teaching, if all parties are willing.
I’m still looking for that perfect, perfectly balanced friendship. I don’t know if I’ll find it. I don’t know. Crap.
November 30th, 2005 11:02
I tend to want people to “interact” when I’m speaking. And by that I mean interrupt. Sometimes, when I finish an conversation I realize that I’ve done just that with someone who isn’t good at being “interacted” with and then they have felt TOTALLY cut off. I hate when I do that.
I’ve also found that, though Scott is right about differnt temperments, there is quite a bit of training involved (as Cathy mentioned). If, as a child, you were never taught to have proper conversations (give and take and such), then as an adult, you will find it very difficult and uncomfortable.
Cathy, suggestion for when you never know what to ask someone. Start out by asking what the funniest thing that happened to them that day was. It works wonders! Oh, and if you’ve seen The Story of Us, you would know to try and ask the other person to tell their HIGH and LOW points from the day. Those always make great conversation upkeepers. That way you go a little beyond the weather, but you don’t necessarily have to dive into the emotional tumult if you aren’t yet prepared.
November 30th, 2005 11:03
But I do know that all it takes to make my day is someone to say, “Kel, I’ve been thinking about you lately. How are you? Is everything okay?” That almost makes me cry nowadays. I mean, to HEAR it. You know?
November 30th, 2005 11:05
Jenns, my mom and I call it wraparound conversation. Our family are pros at it; probably TOO good, as we’re only now learning to go deeper than the shallows with each other. I love interactive chit chat, as long as it doesn’t neglect the ASKING part.
Great suggestions to Cath, and to anyone else who struggles with that.
November 30th, 2005 11:06
Kelly,
Coca-Cola and strawberry poptarts for breakfast!
:D
They wire yer brain way too tight, see…
Your friend - I hope she’s an exception.
I don’t think a perfectly balanced friendship is possible, and that’s ok. I’m fine with that. I would just like the basic things to be in place. I don’t want them to throw things at me, or lie to me, and I’d like them to care. They don’t have to eat meat or like red lipstick or do contemplative prayer or like to look at good photographs, but I need them to accept that about me, and I need them to be interested.
I need to ‘register’ with them. I need to see that I am getting in there and existing in their heads in a good way.
It would be nice if they could forgive me when I screw up, too, and maybe even tell me that my good qualities are more important than my bad, but I guess I don’t neeeeed that….
November 30th, 2005 11:07
Jenn, that’s a good suggestion- I second Kelly’s comment on that. It would help get the ball rolling, I think.
November 30th, 2005 11:09
Hey, Kelly, remember back in the day, last Summer when you would get like 5 comments to your posts?
My, things have grown by leaps and bounds!
November 30th, 2005 11:10
Yikes! It’s going to quickly for me. Just thought I’d mention, Kelly, that I know what Love-Languages are. I’ve read the book and I think about them often. I need to be TOLD I’m beautiful (not by you, but by Charles) and he NEVER says it, becuase to him, telling is insignificant. We’re still going over and over and over this.
You can’t help your Love-Languages, so don’t beat yourself up over the fact that you need to be asked how you are doing. It sounds a lot like needing to be told I’m beautiful. So I will make a point of asking more. Because I really do care! (And I think you’re beautiful)
November 30th, 2005 11:12
I feel like Brando, constantly hitting F5. Except that I refresh my page by going back to the Kelly icon at the top of my browser.
November 30th, 2005 11:26
Chrissy, yeah, I don’t want friends who are just like me either. Just who ASK about me. My life-mantra. I ask, you ask, and we both watch the world go ’round. I’m going to have to try that Coke and pop-tart idea.
Siiiigh, yes - the good old days…
Are you kidding? I LOVE hearing from you guys! xo
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Jenns, you beautiful girl you, thank you. Sometimes I do apologize for my love language needs. Scott doesn’t ask me how I am, and it drives me crazy - but I know he loves me, and probably thinks about me 100% of the day (I need to retain SOME delusions, okay? =o). Still, though, I feel unloved when he doesn’t ask.
So, instead of punching F5, you’re punching me? Well, as long as I’m getting attention, I’m okay with that. xo
November 30th, 2005 11:51
I went a-wittling eight years ago. I’d built up a huge telephone network of friends since getting too ill to get out and about. Writers, mostly, and ill, and Christians, many of them. But over the years I tired of carrying most of the weight at my end with so many of them.
So I carved away all the family and friends and acquaintances who didn’t really care one way or the other, the talk-because-it’s-our-habit ones. I did it gently but deliberately. My telephone network is smaller now, but it’s real, and it’s loving and genuinely caring.
November 30th, 2005 11:58
Sometimes it takes something traumatic to really make you realize how much you don’t know about your friends and then make you all want to get closer. I am in a group of men (A Fellowship of Pirates) who are good friends and have been for many years. We would often share together semi deep stuff, but since one of our members sons died in Iraq last year we have become even more honest with one another. Allowing that father to express himself more honestly has also allowed us more honesty in expressing ourselves.
Kelly, you don’t rattle you are a great sounding board and I love exchanging ideas with you. It is like the Wimbledon of ideas when the four of us get together. We are going to the coast next spring, think you might join us, when Scottay gets home.
November 30th, 2005 11:59
I don’t punch you. I click you. Is that how you say it? I click on your kitty icon at the top of my browser.
Our men just need to learn our love languages. How well do you think you know Scott’s love languages. I think I’ve got Charles’ pegged and then I start to wonder if maybe I’m not really loving on him as he needs.
November 30th, 2005 12:00
Jenn - thank you for the conversation starters… I really am a total dork and need simple little ideas like that. I love the high and low points of your day suggestion…
I am blessed with a couple of friendships that I w ould consider well-balanced… Where conversations go back and forth beautifully with depth and soul-searching and insight. One of those is with Jenn’s cousins Kelly… she is a treasure. Another is with Corey, who lurks here.
Or course, they’re balanced from my perspective. For all I know, they are both emotionally drained and starved for attention after spending time with me… Really though, I don’t think so. I hope not.
I’ve been told for years by people who were brave enough to step up and say it, that I’m hard to read and stand-offish. Ouch. I have to work EVERY day to NOTICE people. And engage them. I never purposely ignore people (well, sometimes if I’m at the grocery store and I’m in my jammies and I don’t want someone to see me.) It’s more that I’ve insulated myself and I honestly just don’t pay attention.
Lots of work to do in this area of my life.
November 30th, 2005 12:17
Yeah - insulated is a good word. I have to remember that I spent many many years building protective wall around myself. Is it any wonder I find it difficult to communicate through them? I’m in the process of tearing them down. Slow going it is, and painful at times, but I have to realize that I have had a persona for so long that others still see me that way - although I have changed so greatly.
So between my learning communication skills, and weilding a sledge hammer I guess I should really forgive others if they don’t hear me. I have not wanted them to know me that intimately in the past. They are just playing my game - tit for tat. Only now the game has changed, and instead of filling in the players on all the new rules I sit in the corner and have sulk. When I think about it rationally I guess some of the fault is my own.
That still doesn’t excuse their borish behavior.
November 30th, 2005 12:26
boorish - if I could only spell…..
November 30th, 2005 12:58
Davit, that’s good. When you’re a naturally caring person, people respond to it. Caring people WANT the response they get, but then often begin to feel taken for granted, and/or advantage of. I guess that’s just the way it goes. It’s good you could find people who give you what you need, though. That isn’t easy. xo
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Roddy, what you said about your group made me think. I’ve been in small groups before, even groups in which we shared some of our deepest hurts and longings, but we still didn’t end up feeling that much closer to each other. I think it’s the day-to-day, humble “how-are-yous?” I’m missing… After all, I dump loads on you guys, every day. I don’t need to unload anymore. I just need to feel loved. YOU guys make me feel loved, but that’s different. I don’t SEE you.
It’s possible that I’m utterly, irredeemably, insane. ~ The beach next spring sounds good. I’m not exactly sure when we’ll be back, though - Van’s coming home in May, and Scott’ll start school then, too. We’ll talk. xo
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“I click on your kitty icon” just sounds so CUTE to me. I’m going to repeat it to myself whenever I’m blue.
It’s weird - I had JUST been thinking that I don’t really know Scott’s love-language, when I read your comment. The problem is, I’ve TOLD him how important it is for me to be asked how I am. And how it doesn’t count when he asks me right after I tell him. How in fact it makes me want to rip his eyebrows out and marry Gabriel Byrne, who I’m SURE would know my love-language instinctually. I’m sure he knows it NOW. He says he does in my dreams.
I am irrefutably insane. xo
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Cath, you crack me up. You should ask Kelly and Corey what they think of your friendship, only not on your blog, in case you don’t like the answers. Of course then, you can always delete them and go on your merry way!
I’ve had people tell me I’m intimidating before, which always SHOCKS me. See? 
Must be my evil eyes.
I think you have the makings of a great friend, by the way. You’re sensitive, and that’s the best beginning. xo
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Karen, I’m also a great one for wanting people to read my mind. If they can’t read my mind, that means they don’t love me. If they don’t love me, they can just all go screw themselves. And so it goes. The Spiral of Loneliness Off the Cliffs of Despair our last stop. It’s about patience and communication, isn’t it? Probably, mostly patience. Okay, and communication. Maybe eventually we’ll all catch on, or most of us.
Except that now that I know you can’t spell “boorish,” you can’t be my friend. (HA, if you only knew that when I was typing “boorish” I spelled it “borrish.”
)xo
November 30th, 2005 13:38
It really doesn’t matter how many times I tell Charles, he never seems to get it. And it’s not really that, it’s just that he forgets it’s important to me since it’s not to him. But that’s the point isn’t it? Oh, and right after TOTALLY doesn’t count. That just makes me laugh (through tears) in his face! Poor hopeless men. But I love him.
You know, I miss all the day-to-day stuff too, since my only face-to-face friend is Twyla. It’s been a hard 2 1/2 years, but I have grown in ways I’d never have imagined.
November 30th, 2005 14:20
You all seem to be forgetting an important element in conversations and friendship. Manipulation! I have a friend who is always saying things like, “You can tell me all about it later” which really means -I don’t want to hear what you have to say. And things like that. I’ve taken to dropping crazy hints to see if he bites. He almost always does and even forgives me for dropping hints that are totally untrue and usually ludicrous. Jo has been training her boyfriend to ask, Spaniards just tell and usually nobody asks and usually nobody listens either. It makes for lots of noise but not much two way conversation. Jenn, my family are interupters, or as you put it interacters, so you are probably genetically predisposed.
November 30th, 2005 14:26
OK - I realize in my last comment I did more than just spell boorish wrong. Where’s the edit when you need it? My excuse - a class of kids came in the computer lab, and I wanted to get out of your site quickly before they all wanted to come to your house too.
So put the s on wall, and take out “have” in front of sulk, and make it “wielding” and you’ll make me feel better - at least I won’t look so incompetent… :O
November 30th, 2005 14:44
Jenns, I’m afraid to ask Scott all the ways I fail him, so I’m going to when he calls tonight. He was the one on the phone when I yelled at the cricket (shh, don’t tell anyone.) It was the last straw when my husband didn’t ask, after I’d JUST SAID SOMETHING THE NIGHT BEFORE. He apologized profusely then, and apologized profusely the next night, and tonight he’ll probably apologize profusely again. Sigh. ~ Living through hard stuff does make us grow; thank God there’s SOME benefit to it. xo
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Margidoodle, oh yes, the manipulation game. And the ask-but-don’t-listen game. I have a friend who makes a show of asking how I am, and then does this. Conversation:
Booboo: “So Kelly. How are you?” (in a very concerned voice.)
Kelly: “Well, I’ve been…”
B: “Yeh yeh yeh”
K: “…kind of dealing wi..”
B: “Yeh yeh yeh yeh”
K: “…some stuff latel…”
B: “Yeh yeh yeh yeh yeh well now, that’s good!”
I’m not even joking. I yell at a lot of crickets after I talk to her.
There are times when I LOVE our family dynamic. Wraparound convos, everybody talking over and underneath each other, laughing, yelling, boisterous noise and confusion. It’s so fun. But you can’t live on that, can you? Do you have a couple close friends you can get deep, quiet, and real with? That’s the trick, and they’re so.stinkin.hard.to find! (How did your sword exhibition go?) xo
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Karen, don’t worry about it. We’re just chatting, not hung up on spellchecking. I don’t even read anyone’s comment anyway; I just make things up to respond to. It’s a lot more fun, and a lot less wear-and-tear on me, which is the most important thing.
Haha, you’re laughing, right? Oh, and you’re smart not letting any kids on my site. I wouldn’t want you to get sued to pay for therapy bills. xo
November 30th, 2005 15:09
I have my wonderful husband who is a good listener, and my daughters. Similar to Kathy, I have a hard time putting deep feeling into words that makes sense once they are out in the open. Friends who really listen are hard to find. Besides, everyone always wants to tell me everything like I’m some sort of confessor.
The exhibition went well and we have another big one coming up in Dec. I hate being up in front of people. Can’t talk to groups at all, just become a babbling idiot or a silent statue, but put a sword in my hand and I’m fine, wouldn’t seek it but can do it ok. What ever happened to the cricket? They bring good luck you know.
November 30th, 2005 15:53
But these are demon crickets from the depths of hell. Or maybe not. If not, then we are the luckiest people in the world, because they visit us nightly through the bathtub drain!
Margi, I think it’s the coolest thing that you play with swords. They fascinate me, and of course, like every other LOTR nerd in the world, I want Aragorn’s sword. I also become a stuttering, backwoods fool when speaking to a crowd. Shud-der. If I had a sword, however, I might not mind so much. Hmmm…
It’s good you have people to talk with, and I can see how you’d be the confessor type. That happens to me, too, which I LIKE, but get tired of sometimes. I USUALLY have Scott to listen to me (I’m still a little mad; he’d better make up for it tonight), a couple friends here, some on the phone from faraway, and all you guys. I feel about 1000% better now having written it through. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder what all the fuss was, and am looking around for someone to blame for starting it. (JK…)
When we come to visit, I won’t make you talk to me in front of a crowd, okay?
xo
November 30th, 2005 16:32
yep - I WAS laughing. Get outta my head girl! I’m beginning to think you’re psychotic, um, I mean psychic….
November 30th, 2005 16:54
My mom is not nearly the bumbling idiot she makes herself out to be. Sorry Mom, but the world must know the truth! She is able to formulate her thoughts into words better than she realizes. Besides, words ALWAYS fall short of emotions, right? I love you Mommy!
November 30th, 2005 18:24
Karen, you were right the first time. Don’t try being nice; I won’t believe you. Um, not that you’re NOT nice most of the time. Oh you know what I’m saying. You ARE psychic, right? xo
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Jenns, I like people who think worse of themselves than they should, as opposed to those who are sure they’re All That. That’s why I like your mom so much, and besides, I had an inkling she was more capable than she was letting on to be. Jennybee, you’re so sweet, and you can’t possible know how much I mean that. xo
November 30th, 2005 18:45
Wow. I just got home from work and I have spent 3 ciggies worth reading your comment section. Phew!
Some good thoughts here. I want to add my $1.50. I’m with D.D. (Darling David). I’ve gone through periods of having loads of friends and being lonely as hell. If I’m gonna be lonely, I’d rather do it alone. I don’t mean to be abrubt, but some people are just leeches. They suck life out of you. I think it is extremely important to identify those folks and weed them out. It’s amazing the peace and balance it brings to your life to only invest in friendships that fuel your own inner vision.
Of course, there are those who we take under our wings, but I’m talking about non-mentoring friendships here. The Book talks about this. To be wise, walk with the wise. To travel the road together, two must be in agreement. Kel, you are a tender, compassionate, relational person and probably need to surround yourself with folks who share your level of commitment and concern for others.
This can be a really tough lesson to learn. I had one friend I invested 17 years in before I finally learned that no matter how much I gave it would never be enough. It would weary me just to talk to her on the phone. I would really have to go and lie down. This isn’t wise.
A handful of giving, loving friends is worth more than words can say. Again, I really feel strongly that surrounding yourself with friends who share your heart and vision is vital to a balanced life.
Oh, and Kel? I love you.
November 30th, 2005 18:58
Well, I’m coming in late to all this chatter, but here’s my take on things, from my point of view: Everyone needs validation, period. We (or me I guess I should say as I’m not speaking for everyone else) need someone to really LISTEN, and then VALIDATE. I know if I was listened to and then my feelings validated by whoever that “listener” may be, life would probably go a little bit smoother. I have those friends who I’ve tried to talk to and never really listened or would always say “Oh, you think you have it bad? Well let me tell you what happened to ME!”. That just sucks. Now, at the ripe old age of 43 and not getting any younger, instead of getting upset when I think no one is “hearing” me (becuase listening and hearing are two completely different things), I ask to be heard. Especially with my closest friends. Some people just may not realize they are not listening or hearing. Hey, I’m guilty of it. But I have three really tight, close girlfriends and we have all agreed that if we think we’re not hearing or listening, we just need to say so. So I do. I ask to be heard. I ask to be validated. It took a lot of years to do this, but I do it now. More so after my brother passed away. “Life is short, ask for what you want; you may not get it, but it won’t kill you to ask”. That was my brother’s motto and I try to do it. Not all the time, but I definitely make an effort. So, I’m hearing you Kelly girl, and I’m listening, too. I really understand what you’re feeling and you’re going through a rough patch that is fixable. So if you need me to listen, just ask my friend. I’ll listen.
November 30th, 2005 21:59
Right. there. with. you.
I’m all for kicking and screaming and beating the ground. Throwing up–not so much. It may not work, but I’ll feel better. And maybe someone will ask if I’m okay! Any joiners?
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly! (Like Woody sang to his fiance on “Cheers.”) What a wise woman to even consider asking God “What is really going on inside?”
I took a test at kiersy.org and met myself for the first time. I wonder what yours would say??
November 30th, 2005 22:23
Twytie, we KNOW it’s been a good blog day when it’s a three-cig comment section. It HAS been amazing. You guys are so wise. YOU are wise, Miss Woman-Hear-Me-Roar. I did what you did awhile back, and now I pretty much just have Jean, and I’m spending a more time with Frodo again. That makes two close friends, and that’s more than some people have, so I’m grateful. I wish I wish and I’m not even kidding I wish you blog friends lived close enough to smell your coffee breath. But I’m grateful for what we have, because even these relationships - with their limitations - have become very important to me. I sincerely love you guys. I sincerely love YOU, Twytie La.
I’m feeling frantic inside - like I can’t slow down, even when there’s no reason to hurry. I hate this feeling, and I’m ready to try to get a handle on it. I’ll probably be talking to you guys about it until I do. kiss you. xo
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Chris, yes. I’ve had those friends, too. Where there’s this strange competition that comes out of nowhere, like I’m gonna CARE if her son/daughter gets better grades than mine, or that she wears smaller underwear. Most people seem to talk at each other, don’t they? - not with. I love what you said about hearing and listening. I always think of God when I think of those two words, because in the bible he says he hears us. I read somewhere that for God, hearing is doing. Same meaning, or something like that. So, that’s how I want to be. Proactive, on their behalf, when somebody talks to me. I like being that way. I just want people to be that way with me, too. More people. All people. My husband. Those I love the most.
I know what you’re saying. You are incredibly blessed to have a group of such close girlfriends, emotionally close, and in proximity. Very, very blessed. xo
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Patchouli! I was hoping you’d show up soon! If you leave your URL next time you sign in, people will visit your blog…
Since you sang to me, you are now officially A Best Friend and Harvey, with eternal membership in the Keltic Kafe. We welcome you with flags and banners and all manner of whistles. Oh, and screaming and much beating of the floor!
I’m going to pop over and see what test you’re talking about. I love those tests. xo
November 30th, 2005 23:31
Kelp,
A client of mine just used “Spice” on her fireplace wall. Howzabout that for the kitchen?? I’d never THINK of laughing at you. I’d just DO it. Oh heavens to betsy, you have awesome decorating taste and you know it. You’re bright orange probably looks downright savage (a good thing) and possibly even makes the air smell citrus fresh, right?
Hey, do I ask about you? “How ARE you?” . . . when I start my emails to you like that then I mean it. By the way, I’m resorting to your comment section since you aren’t picking up the dang phone or emailing lately and I know you will see this so at least I’ll get a pity reply. Ahhh, can hardly wait. By the way, everyone is so hip to being the first commenter of the day . . . how about the last commenter?? Do I get a prize? No crickets, please. I hate chirpy things.
December 1st, 2005 06:50
Boogie, is it Sherwin Williams? I’m heading over there after taking the kids to school. I’m not in the mood, but I have to do it. You’re so funny; you probably laugh at me every day; but that makes me feel good ’cause it proves you’re thinking about me.
YOU are an awesome friend. You just live a fragillion miles away, Katydid. When you came to stay (two years ago now? *snif) on vacation I wanted to lock you in Torie’s room so you couldn’t leave. Your sweet “how are you?” echoes in my mind even now. I love you oodles.
I got your message yesterday, but have been too frantic to call back. It’s strange; I’m completely uneasy right now; I think I feel Christmas bearing down (haven’t done a dag thing), in addition to all the daily stuff. I AM overwhelmed now. I’m not over-the-edge, or depressed, just fidgety.
Don’t worry; I won’t send you any crickets, unless one of them sings to me. Nah, he’s gettin’ squarshed - that would freak me out. xo
December 1st, 2005 06:53
Kelly, you obviously don’t know a dang thing about which posts are yankable or not. To title this a yankable post and then get 50 comments. You are seriously deranged!! Could you explain to me how to get 50 comments? How ARE you this morning, ducky?
December 1st, 2005 06:57
Good morning, sweet thing. I feel okaaaaay; I just have a zillion things to do and I’m not quite sure how to organize my time. When that happens, alls I wants ta do is climb back into the warm, soft bed.
I know; I think it’s the yankable posts that attract the most attention, like freak shows.
I LOVE you guys. We like each other, don’t we? It’s fun to talk. If YOU want 50 posts, be as pathetically revealing as possible, mention poop about a thousand times, and threaten suicide. You’ll get more sympathy comments than you can handle.
Time to take the kids to school. I’ll see you back here soon. Love you sissy, xo me
December 1st, 2005 06:58
Not 50 POSTS. 50 COMMENTS. See? I need bed. I’m sure of it.
December 1st, 2005 09:25
Hi Kelly how are you?
Yeah, I know what you mean…I like to be asked. But get me in a room with two of my closest friends and I don’t shut up. I admit this, they know this. I’m learning to listen though.
December 1st, 2005 10:05
Kass, when I’m with my closest friends, I do the same thing. I TOTALLY love spewing, IF I know they’re listening with affection. But if enough time passes without them asking how I am, or if occasionally I don’t feel like starting conversations with a bang, I want to know they’ll oil the wheel with some questions. But yeah - I rattle ON. You should hear me! Maybe someday!
(I’ll ask how you are, I promise.)xo