“Candygram”
Hi you guys… sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you, especially since I believe the word “Monday” had been bandied about, but I’ve been otherwise occupied and haven’t been able to reach into myself to pull out anything interesting for your perusal. In fact, I haven’t felt anything interesting for a very long time, except in fits and bursts.
I’ve been lying on my bed for the last few hours, reading and thinking. I’m reading a book about angels, and – as is my wont – have been crying at every story. Each paragraph is punctuated by my plea of “Jesus, please…” I miss the supernatural, as I’ve said so many times before; but I’ve been so dry-dusted by the church that I can’t go down the same paths anymore to find it. I used to play my piano and sing songs to God, but I’ve been so indoctrinated by worship-as-entertainment that I can’t do it without envisioning a very human audience of critics and fans. I haven’t read my bible for ages; I’ve tried, but it means almost nothing to me. I saw an interview with Cat Stevens, now Yusuf Islam, and despaired for myself in the face of his devotion to God. I watched Stigmata again the other night, and if Scott hadn’t been with me I would have wept unabashedly as I did the last time at the feelings it provoked: desire for God, hope that he’s paying attention, and deep anger at how my faith was sullied and crushed in the hands of the church organization.
I’m becoming aware (yet again) of the possibility that this whole arid time may just be a clearing of the way, so that I can experience God anew. One of the verses used by the author of the angel book invoked praise as a means of bringing in the blessings of God – something I’ve heard countless times before – but it’s been so long since I thought that way that the idea seemed novel, like something new I should consider trying. This naivete seems like a good thing to me. I’m asking, “Jesus, please…” because I have no idea what to do. I know I make light about becoming a nun, but in the depths of my heart, I wish, I wish. I’m not even Catholic. I’m not affiliated with any denomination whatsoever. I just really want God.
I’ve lost myself, and have been blaming Scott for it. I saw this clearly an hour ago, when he called me in to dinner. I had been in the bedroom, and when I walked into the kitchen and saw the plate Scott had prepared for me: shrimp fanned out neatly in a pattern, a small ramekin of cocktail sauce, a fat bowl of homemade clam chowder - my favorite spoon; I understood how blessed I am that God has given me this man for a husband. If I want to become nun-like, Scott will let me. He’ll bless me, give me space to grow and hours alone every day, listen eagerly to my revelations, and then make me dinner. (No no – I wouldn’t want to give that up, so let’s just say in every other way I can become nun-like. =o) Scott’s a gift. He’s not perfect, but he is a gift.
Which helps me see that the burden for my own change lies on my shoulders. The nice thing is – the saving grace is – that since I’m helpless to make the actual changes on my own, God will bring the means of making them to me. I just have to want them enough to turn my face in a different direction. Up, probably. And ahead. Just out. Out of myself – and paradoxically, into myself – as well as out of the ordinary, since what I want is more than what I see.
This past week has brought revelation to me. A flint has been struck, and creative sparks are igniting my little grey cells. I started making a necklace last night, using old beads, a thin strip of rawhide, sterling silver wire, and a stone pendant Scott’s mom gave me. It’s still unfinished, but already beautiful. I remembered that I’d been working on a book and felt a little tug in my heart towards it. I grabbed my journal and wrote – yes, gasp! with an actual pen – the truest thoughts of my heart, unedited. I began to remember what it’s like to envision something and then enact it, instead of letting life stream around me while I sit stuck in a muddy creek bed. I began to remember what it’s like to feel whole. Not that I’ve lived whole – ever. Don’t think that. It’s just that I used to feel whole a whole lot more than I do now. It’s a struggle to stay balanced and I’ve definitely been listing too far to one side for far too long.
What I’m leading up to is this: I can’t spend as much time on the computer as I have been because I’m starting to sink, and if I don’t grab the closest available wave and begin surfing towards the next one, I’ll drown. You know; keep moving, or die – like a shark. So, if I post only every few days, you’ll know why. If I don’t comment as often, or even if I disable comments, ditto. If I don’t come visit you as much, same. We can always chat over emails. I’ve made amazing friends and I know you’re not going anywhere…
…but if by some ill-conceived planning on your part you should - I’ll be forced to hunt you down and eat you, securing you in my belly until some fisherman catches me and rips open my dripping carcass with his serrated blade to rescue you. Honestly. Did you think I was going to leave you with a sugary-sweet taste in your mouth? Silly you. I take my leave in true fairy-tale style. Everybody eventually lives happily ever after anyway. I love you all, and I will see you around. Kiss hug. xo
December 29th, 2005 22:10
Wow. Kelly, if this is what we get when you wait a few days, it is definitely worth it. Some really good and true thoughts here.
My heart goes out to you in your struggles to (re)find God. I know. I know so well. Just keep walking. Right foot. Left foot. Breathe. Right foot. And so on. There is life, wonderful and vibrant life in God for you. Just around the bend, I suspect.
Sounds like you are using wisdom in creating balance in your life. I love you. xxoo
December 29th, 2005 23:54
Kelly,
I wish I were as brave as you. I totally hear what you are saying about change, about wholeness, about drowning in the busyness - like the blogging that we feel is so necessary to our everyday life. But I find it so hard to let go…
Truly if letting go enables us to re-establish that connection to God, then that is what we need to do. Few of us are so ready or able to muster that level of faith and trust.
Prayers for you my friend, and God’s richest blessings!
xoxo
December 30th, 2005 01:26
Keep seeking, dear girl, He will reveal Himself to you! Mom and I love you greatly and know that this desert is only part of the whole trail on the way….an oasis awaits…we are praying and we love you, dad
December 30th, 2005 07:40
Kelly - you must go out RIGHT NOW and get “Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith” by our gal Anne Lamott. It is a life line. You remind me of her in a very strong way. No, really.
Oh, and by the way, I love you. /kiss kiss/
December 30th, 2005 08:13
Kelly, you’re right when you say that this dryness is a clearing out. It sounds a lot like you’re delving into the Night of the Soul phase that St. John of the Cross and Thomas Keating talked about in ‘Invitation to Love’. It comes when someone really commits to the idea of getting a real relationship with God going.
And it is progress, though it doesn’t feel that way at all.
I know exactly what you mean about finding it hard to praise God amongst all the dryness and load of troubles, it’s really hard- but worth the effort. Somehow, it works. You’ve seen the quote from Merton on my blog about giving it all back to God gratefully.
All other things are catalysts, not at fault- Scott, the church, your blog….they’re all just coming up looking like symptoms of the disease (dis-ease) you feel inside, the yearning for God and God alone.
In your keep-moving time, you’ll find Him in the stillness and silence and vast, limitless reaches.
This is a VERY good thing for you! You’re actually heading in the right direction, and God will show you the way. Keep your eyes and heart open for it, because the more you focus on getting to Him, the more exciting things will be!
December 30th, 2005 10:36
Ah Kelly Lowe, a true Gryffindor! I have all kinds of love for you sweet Kelly. No advice, but loads of affection.
December 30th, 2005 11:43
Kelly, Ruth Ann and I will be praying for you and will continue to love you even more. We will be changing churches soon. The last straw happened Christmas eve. I don’t have anything deep to say, so just try and read between the lines. Kelly what was the best or your favorite book that you read last year? I want to read it when I finish the 49 books I still have checked out.
December 30th, 2005 13:28
I recognise some scenes in the desert you’re walking through, my friend. It’s a clean and cleansing place, you know.
No advice from me. I’m not worthy. Only a gratitude that when I’ve walked those quiet roads God has often told me to “go with the flow”.
Check your emails, will ya?
xxx
December 30th, 2005 17:00
Remember what Dorry the Great said in “Finding Nemo”– “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”
(And yes, I said Dorry the Great.)
December 30th, 2005 18:29
Of course, all you wonderful friends, you KNOW I love words of love more than words of advice - being the rebel I am - so I appreciate you pouring it on before I eat you up for dinner. All the sweeter for me…
I love you all, and I mean that sincerely. You’re wise ones, which is why I like to hang out with you so much.
I think I have everyone’s emails but Chouli’s, which I may be able to get on her (your) blog… I WILL be checking emails and probably even responding to them. It’s been a good day. I helped Jean move into her new house, and we just finished eating Mediterranean Pitas together at Talia’s. I’m happy she’ll have her own, little, beautiful new cabin to live in. I’m THIS close to moving in with her (jk). (kind of.)
EVERY ONE of you is special to me. Thank you for your words of love. I appreciate them more than you know. Twytie, your telling me I remind you of Anne Lamott made my year. Oh my word, I read Plan B and adored every word. I LOVE her. We would all be best friends together, wouldn’t we? She should know us!
My favorite book last year? ONE? ONE? Oh, I don’t know if I can possibly pick, but I’ll think about it.
Did I already say I love you all? I do… Sorry I’m so mushy; I have a buzz from all the caffeine I just drank. I think I’ve pretty much decided to forego (sp?) food and just live on coffee and wine. Oh, and chocolate. I’m gonna get that glass of wine now and continue reading Geek Love (good, so far). kiss again - see you in a few! xo
December 30th, 2005 20:59
I like your metaphor for life: surfing the ocean waves. One thing about surfing is that it looks a lot easier than it is. You take a lot of tumbles. You wipe out on the sand. You risk the sharks. But the moments when you catch a truly amazing wave and you feel the rush of adreneline as you plummet down the wave, totally in tune with the rhythem of the water; that makes the whole expirience worth it.
Go there Kelly. Go with caution but with the willingness to abandon yourself to the beauty of the wave, knowing that there is a leash attached to your ankle, keeping your from losing the board and that you will always be able to float on it. I will stand on the shore and watch your beautiful dance and will cheer you on. I love you, Kelly, Llewyllen (or how ever you spell it)!
December 31st, 2005 00:33
My heart is in the same place. I scream and cry out to Him when I’m alone, yet I feel so dead inside. I feel bitterness creeping inside of my heart, and I hate it. Politics are in the very place where I thought my safe haven was. I don’t know where this is going right now, but @%%^$$@^&*^^%!!!!!!!!
I need God more than ever. I will not abandon my husband for ‘ministry,’ nor will I abandon my faith in Jesus to become accepted in church clicks.
I understand the place you’re in, and wish I could help you get to the place you want to be, but I can’t even keep my head above water long enough to do so.
I know we will overcome this craziness…I just wonder how long we have to put up with it.
xx oo,
the quirky1
December 31st, 2005 01:00
Oh Kelly.
I’ll join the love fest - and the disclaimers about having no good advice.
Love you, friend.
December 31st, 2005 13:27
I think maybe it’s time for me to join Jack and Adam in a little Anger Management!!
At last….I have found the solution!!!!!!
the quirk
December 31st, 2005 21:07
Last New Year’s Eve,
December 31st, 2005 21:24
Ohmigosh - the computer ate my comment and posted four little words that I would appreciate you deleting….I am not allowed to look back and whine.
I will say that I am moved by your honesty and your deep desire for more and will light a candle tonight for you as I mourn a hard year and remind God of the many friends that still need His loving touch in this new year. The candles will be lit until the new day has dawned because I am hanging on to the promises of God for each life that has felt abandoned, shut down, controlled, deep sorrow, etc. There are many…A verse that I am hanging on to this New Years Eve is Isaiah 43:19 - I will pray it over your candle…
Please sing again. Sing the sad stuff - the “my soul refuses to be comforted, unless I find you” stuff. It really doesn’t have to be pretty - it can be a scream…my sister-in-law is an artist/musician who just went through a hard year and she wrote the most beautiful songs from very despairing scriptures and she sang about her enemies being destroyed, etc. It was so powerful.
I will stop - YOU WILL FIND HIM. I can see Him kissing your brow and saying “It will be alright.”
January 1st, 2006 06:46
Youse guys, again, how can I tell you enough how wonderful you are? Jenns, I knew you would get the surfing analogy more than anybody. I love you. And Quirky, call me when you’re ready. I’ve always been here and know EXACTLY what you’re talking about, of course. Cathy, people who will start a sentence with “Oh” are my favorite people. I love you, too. And Corey, my word, what can I say? You lit a candle for me? I’m overwhelmed. Thank you. Actually, I couldn’t stop singing yesterday, if you can believe it (I think you probably can…). The song was an arrangement I’d written years ago of the old hymn Whiter Than Snow. Same words, new tune, new heart, fresh spirit… I’ll bet your prayer worked. Imagine that! My voice is weak as a kitten, though. Oh well. tra lala.
Sigh. My friends. xo
January 1st, 2006 09:44
Happy New Year, my friend, and may you never stop singing. I will sing again some day, but for today, I will just rejoice that you are once again. There is a phone call in the near future…
Hope Happens! Love, lil’ k
January 4th, 2006 00:27
post less, write more
look less, find more
worry less, live more
-gatsby
January 4th, 2006 10:00
Gats, did you make that up? Wise sage. My sentiments exactly. xo
January 4th, 2006 11:50
Wow. Another New Year’s resolution to blog less. Something seems to be in the air. You would think this is like an addiction or something. Don’t worry, blogging less is easy; I do it all the time.
Take care.
January 4th, 2006 20:44
Peefer, dang me; all this time I’ve been angling for a comment from you, and here you go and give me one after I’ve stopped blogging. Life isn’t fair. You take care, too. Last year, from what I remember, you spent a lot of time obsessing about your nether regions. Here’s to a new year. (No, never change, please.)
xo
January 5th, 2006 02:32
Happy New Year Kelly. I miss your posts, but I understand. Begrudgingly. Actually, I’m pouting and throwing things. Don’t worry. I’ll give myself a time out in the corner. However, my children get 1 minute for every year of their age for their time outs. If I do that, I’ll be in the corner for quite awhile. Maybe I’ll just go shopping as my punishment then. Yeah! Target is calling my name. See ya!
January 5th, 2006 10:35
Ah yes, Le Grande Target’… I love Target and throw many tantrums that alls we’re stuck with is stupid Wal-mart. Hey, thank you for pouting on my behalf. I’ll probably post this weekend, after I drop Scottay off at the airport. It’s a week before he’s scheduled to leave, but I’m sure he can find a comfy spot on those banks of chairs by baggage. Heh heh, just kidding, honey. I AM dropping him off for his return on Saturday, bittersweet for both of us. Anyway, how did I get into that? Apparently, I need to post.
Have fun enduring your shopping penance, Chris. Poor little thing. Don’t you wish you were 100? xo
January 5th, 2006 18:55
Hiya, my friend. I’m missing you. Seems that having a man around the house can be a great distraction at times. I have some time back to myself again and hope we can do lunch or such soon …. please???? I would so much love to have you read my wee story too, if there is any way I could send it to you. Have you been working on Martin or any other non-blogs lately? I also wonder what you’ve heard from Van. I’m with you in the sentiments expressed in this last blog, by the way. We are leaving the past behind — is that so bad?
January 5th, 2006 19:10
Frodo my friend. I was JUST thinking about you today, and having lunch somewheres, AND going bookhunting at Habitat for Humanity. What say ye, ay? Hoser….(that’s me, of course). Hey, I haven’t heard from Van for awhile and I’m getting bummed; I hope to soon. I’ll let you know when it happens, and how he is. I haven’t worked on anything non-bloggy except my personal journal in which I write voluminously for hours every morning. I guess I needed unexpurgated (word?) expression. We are emphatically not bad for moving on into the future plains, are we? Hmm? Huh? Dear God in heaven, pleeez?? (No, I know we’re not, and you know we’re not, too.)
Can you send your story email? kellywell@gmail.com
Catch you on the flip side, baby. I was thinking about Ben today, too - weird, huh? - and about how I’m going to go to all his films when he makes them, and even hang around on set and bug him. You and I will dress in our monkey suits and go to all his premiers in New York and elsewhere. Won’t that be fun? Joel can pay with all the big bucks he’s going to make, and Jesse can psychoanalyze us afterwards because we’ll need it (Ben’s movies, you know). Van will cook us an amazing, gourmet meal. Torie will run sound and lights for the big show and Rachel will have to spring us out of jail for being drunks and assaulting several policeman with our stiletto heels. Scott and Paul will be on the road financing our lives, of course.
Sound fun?? Weeheeeeee! xo