Itty bitty brain bits
I can’t stand it; I have to write. But wait - how bizarre. I thought I had to write, but now that I’m sitting down to type on this oh-so-familiar post pad my brain is freezing and I’m afraid all the wild and wacky thoughts I thought were going to splatter the page in graceful, or at least, funky patterns are shivering paralyzed against the walls of my cranium. Freaks. Oh well, I’ll write anyway.
How y’all doing? I’ve heard from a few of you via email and have had so much fun writing back. Or not, as the case may be (I promise I will soon). Scott’s leaving Saturday and I am definitely feeling mixed about his departure. I’ll miss him; when he’s here there’s somebody to whine “Do you think I’m fat?” to, and “Omigod, I’m getting so old!!!“. Scott’s always good for a “Are you crazy?” response, which makes me feel better, naturally. When he goes I’ll have to resort to begging from strangers again, and that doesn’t always go as well. I mean, they almost always ask the same question, but I believe from them, it’s not meant as a compliment.
Right now I’m avoiding public worship; honestly, at this very second. Scott’s at Jean’s house because she invited us over to sing songs to God with a few other friends. He was excited, but I just can’t. I thought I could, but I can’t. Yesterday I blasted Alanis through the house and strutted and screamed and lifted my arms to the skies and felt the Lord all over the place. It was awesome. Today I did the same. But to enter back into the public again - my world and identity for well over half my life - seems impossible and unnecessary; like entertainment. Jean’s going to read this and think I’m slamming her, but I’m NOT. I mean, for ME - the one who has spent years plunking the piano or eating the mike for people in the name of the Lord, while all the time lusting and competing and scrabbling for attention for myself. I can’t generate attention for God without calling it to myself first, and that’s intolerable. For ME. But I think it’s already been established that I’m a whack job, so that’s okay. Everybody back into the pool.
Uh, do you think I’m fat?
Love you guys. xo
January 5th, 2006 20:14
So what if you’re a whack job. You got us reading your stuff, right? So what does that say about us? Whackers?? Girl, you do whatcha gotta’ do. Plain and simple. Only you know what’s best for you. And no, I don’t think you’re fat. You look loverly! (am I first??!!)
January 5th, 2006 20:14
Yahoo! I was first for the first time ever! (uh, when did that become a contest??!)
January 5th, 2006 22:02
It’s good to have you back.
) I miss your posts.
Fat?! Are you kidding? You look great!
January 5th, 2006 23:18
YEA! YEA! YEA! HOORAY!
I’m glad to hear from you.
Hello, Kelly.
January 5th, 2006 23:29
have to write, have to write, have to write….yep, I feel the same compulsion. Yet when I sit at my keyboard lately I find I am speachless…. Hmmmmm
Good to hear from you Kelly!
January 5th, 2006 23:32
Oh, and no, you’re not fat! (You’re welcome!)
January 6th, 2006 07:24
I found out yesterday that Thoreau was lived in the woods for 26 months before he was ready to join the world again.
You don’t have to go all primitive, but discovering true worship again, just you and Jesus, well, that’s pretty good.
January 6th, 2006 08:07
If you’re fat, I’m in trouble!
Just call it “voluptuous”~ ok?
‘Everybody back into the pool’- I like that!
Kellins, I SO know how you feel about the singing to the Lord spiel~ I too found myself in a mixed-message mindset, when I sang- I ended up being disgusted with my inability to just focus completely on Him during my songs to Him~ razzing on myself if I had to concentrate too much on the notes or volume or general performance points of quality.
So, yeah, I’m waiting till the ambition dies completely, before I think of doing it, again.
January 6th, 2006 09:31
No , I don’t take it as a slam. I know you’re just screwed up. Hahahahah! Love you.xo
January 6th, 2006 09:42
Sometimes I think it is a good thing that I dont know a major chord from a minor chord, or know anything about octaves. I just make a noise to the Lord using words to express what I am feeling. At worship rehearsal last weekend, I run the computer for slides, there was a lot of discussion about chords and harmony and melodies, all very technical. Does it have to be perfect to please the Lord, or as it says should we just make a joyful noise. I can’t always sing because the words don’t apply at the time, but when I do sing I am glad that God loves whatever I do.
Peace, Love, Out
January 6th, 2006 10:49
I don’t think you’re fat, but I absolutely think you’re crazy. Feel better?! Hi ya Kelly!
January 6th, 2006 13:19
I hear ya. I absolutely cannot wait to be in heaven where the music will be excellent and my voice perfect and the choir flawless and the focus 100% NOT on me - where my brain will totally be consumed with Jesus. As hard as I’ve tried over the years, if I’m singing or playing the piano, I am distracted from worship… unless I’m completely alone. I just can’t keep my thougths from going to me. It’s sad. And wrong.
Because heaven will be sinless, then there I will finally be able to truly worship.
It will be incredible.
January 6th, 2006 13:21
Fat??? You should see my 10wk pregnant bump. I look about 5 months gone.
Nice to see you posting again xxxxxxxxx
January 6th, 2006 13:44
Chrissalou, I believe that makes you the whackee… but thank God for fellow inmates. Hey, I wasn’t truly angling for a compliment, but I’ll take them when I can get them. Essentially, you didn’t deny that I’m crazy, and that’s heartening.
Yay! You win the contest! The WHOLE contest, from forever on! Also, your life philosophy of doing what we gotta do would have saved me eons of angst, had I adopted it early on. Sheesh. I’ll try to live up to it now. xo
@@@
Kari, you guys are so easy. Uh, do you think I’m dense? Ugly? Odd? Are my ears too big? Are my shoulders too bony? Are my ankles too thick? Does my butt sag? Go ahead; I’ll just sit here humming until I hear back from you.
xo
@@@
You forgot calloo, callay!
Hello there, Scottay
@@@
Karen, I think I had a whole crapload of personal stuff to unload in my journal, and now I’m done (for the moment, of course). Now I’m back to nonsense. I got your letter, by the way, and will respond to it soon. You have some very good questions. VERY good.
Oh, and as I told Kari: easy. But thank you. xo
@@@
Chouli, this process has taken me far longer than 26 months. It seems I’m still not outa the woods. I’m not a good enough musician to just jam music with friends, strangely enough, or at least, my heart’s not in it. My whole thing has been worship. Does that make sense? Yet, I don’t listen to Christian music; I can’t stand it. There’s lots tied up in that, for sure.
But overall, yes, just worshiping by myself and any heavenly creatures who may be hanging around is fine with me. xo
@@@
Dear Va-Va-Voom, I told the Lord years ago that I didn’t want to sing another note in public until I could do it purely. Wal, apparently I won’t be singing until I’m dead. Haha, I actually thought I was capable of purity. Haha. Now I think we can minister (i.e. just lovin’ on people whichever way we can) in our sorry states, so that’s not a problem anymore; it’s that I don’t know if worship should be considered a category of ministry. Or if ANYTHING should be considered a category of ministry. Frankly, I think we’ve got everything pretty well f*ed up.
I don’t know why I didn’t have the foresight to raise the Von Lowe singers; that would have kept music in the family; we would have been invited to all the Oktoberfests we could handle, and would by now be living off the royalties of several cds. Man. xo
@@@
Jeansie, I didn’t really think you’d take offense; I just thought I should SAY something so OTHER people didn’t think I was a complete jerk. I know how you feel about it all - you’re just trying to find that place, too. And what does it say about you that you’re one of the best friends of a screw-up? xo
@@@
Roddy, ooooh, don’t get me STARTED on the professionalism in “worship.” I could wax lyrical (and we’re talkin’ Highway to Hell) on that subject for hours. I love being a musician, but sometimes wish I’d been born otherly. It would have saved me a lot of pain. Hey, but pain is pain in whatever form, right? I guess I’m glad I can express it musically. Alrighty then. (How’s the newfound pagan lifestyle suiting you? Maybe you could send me a letter about your recent departure from the fold… hmm? But wait - why were you at worship practice then??) xo
@@@
Heathy, you’ve made my entire year. I’m heading over to write you a letter. Hi pooty. xo
January 6th, 2006 13:44
Wait. Is “pooty” a bad word? ‘Cause if it’s not, I’m going to have to change it. xo
January 6th, 2006 13:52
Cath, I wonder if heaven is really what we think it is. Maybe we’ll have giant heads and communicate telepathically, thus negating the need for words, sung or spoken or otherwise. I plan to sit around yakking it up with St. Augustine, C.S. Lewis, and Mark Twain (who was an atheist, heehee, I’ll bet HE was surprised), but then maybe I won’t do that, either. I want to fly, but who knows? Swim without needing to breathe, but who knows? I hope it’s way more than I can imagine with my currently puny head.
But yeah, it would be nice to do ANYTHING for and toward and with God without all the current crappity surrounding it. xo
@@@
Kells, when I was pregnant with my first baby, I hardly looked it until the last month. By my third baby, I gained 60 pounds within two weeks. Okay, not really, but almost. You’re on your FOURTH. Just enjoy your excuse to hog! Except it is hard to lose afterwards… Okay… veggies for you, young lady.
Thank you.
xo
January 6th, 2006 18:12
Hey now….I’m the fat girl in the crowd, not you!!! You’re NOT fat, and you’re still young!!
I understand how you feel about worshipping around people. I guess I’ve had my share of competing, and watching people compete. I didn’t always feel this way, but sometimes I feel that I’m back in the music business, which ain’t pretty, and all I’ve done is stick Christian in front of it to make it sound righteous. I miss playing and singing, and writing the new stuff, but I think I’ve seen, (and heard) too much to enjoy it anymore. I still think everyone should be facing the same direction during a worship service. Keep singing……there’s a change a’ comin’
Love,
lil’ k
January 6th, 2006 18:31
So nice to hear from you. And you’re not fat. But what if you were? So what? Right? You are beautiful. But especially on the inside, where it counts, since outward beauty is for shit. I think being too nice to look at is its own curse. And it is fleeting, anyway.
You just follow your own path, dearie. Just like the many before you. It feels lonely, sometimes, but there are so many on similar journeys. I take heart in that.
January 7th, 2006 09:51
Believe it or not, Kelly, I am right there with you. KLTY –THE Christian music station– is right here in my neighborhood and programmed into my car radio…but do I listen to it? Worship is about HIM and ME–sometimes how much I need Him, sometimes how much I love Him, sometimes…well, look at the Psalms. David was all over the map. And do you think he listened to Christian music?
One of the most beautiful attributes of Jesus is that He meets us wherever we are…especially when someone is belting out Alannis and feeling her power as a woman! I have sung “Bitch” at the top of my lungs and felt closer to Yahweh than I did while singing another chorus led by someone telling me to stand up and offer the sacrifice of praise.
Can’t you hear Him, Kelly? He’s your biggest cheerleader, encouraging you to find your own path to Him instead of relying on man-made suppositions (wow, that word came out of nowhere!) I can see it for you, all over you, and I’m sticking to it.
If you can find this song, it ROCKS! It’s on the Lillith Faire CD, and the best I’ve found for getting yourself through it over it, under it, beyond it. “It” being whatever is holding you back.
Make a joyful noise!
Wash My Hands
Written by M. Brooks, L. Dvoskin, S. Peiken
Wash my hands, of crimes
Pour the water over,
my skin, my spine
Cleanse my soul and ease my mind
I’ve been fixed on all the damage done
Why do I always forget how far I’ve come
I’m done dying for the past
I’m done dyin’ for the past
Say all’s forgiven now
Let’s call it even, shall we
Can’t you judge me for my love
and not mistakes
I’ve made
I swear by who I am and not by yesterday
In between black and white
I disappear
Circle round the stone
until I landed here.
January 7th, 2006 15:13
Li’l - I’m so glad you’re popping in, friend. I think of you consistently and affectionately and one day we’ll both be bitchin’ healthy enough to actually act like friends do with each other. Good grief. Like, talk and stuff.
HEY, Karen, today I’ve been crazy with missing music. CRAZY. CRA-ZEEEE. Sick to my stomach missing it, and I don’t mean playing with my old church friends either. On the way home from the airport today I listened to Alanis over and over, fantasizing myself in her place with my band behind me. I fantasized singing those songs, and felt the spirit on me. I came home and have been wandering around looking for something to strum, or plunk. Maybe there IS a change coming. GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD. So here I sit at the computer?? Change is slow in coming, I guess… 
I love you.
By the way, you belong onstage behind your guitar. You BELONG there; you were born for it. Shit crap that you’ve been abused by people you (we) trusted, who have also been abused. Nice cycle. Come teach me to play more than three chords, and let’s sing to my dogs, okay? God will LOVE it. Plus, they’re still waiting for us in Ireland. xo
@@@
Twytie, hi friend. One of my all-time favorite movies is Shallow Hal… Sigh. Sometimes I feel so shallow, but we are forced to deepen as we grow older, or die frustrated. Beauty fading: inevitable. That’s okay. Mmmmost of the time…
Are you finding time to meditate quietly? You’re such a wise teacher, and I know wise teachers need their silence… xo
@@@
Chouli, thank you for the lyrics. Awesome and powerful. Haha! I love Bible David. LOVE him. And I’m pretty sure he didn’t just idly listen to worship music; he’s the one who generated it! (There’s a point there, hmm?) Patchouli, I DO hear God cheering me on; thank you for saying so. Especially today, as you can see by my response to li’l k above; I’m absolutely wild with music and as soon as I’m done here I’m going to drag my keyboard out, plug it in, and see what happens. Maybe a big “eh” (it’s happened before)… but maybe not. Maybe some new corner to turn instead. Maybe a continuation of what’s already in me. Maybe just some fun. It doesn’t matter. Isn’t music AMAZING? and MYSTERIOUS?? My word, how it affects us. kiss xo
January 7th, 2006 16:51
I keep hearing…”If you play, I will come.”
I think maybe I DO need to come over there and teach you some chords, and see what happens. I really DO want to worship, I just feel totally shut down right now. Healing is coming, and it will be REAL this time for you and me and all of us who have been abused. It really is coming soon, and when it comes, we have a road trip to do…(actually, a plane trip). Wales and Ireland IT IS Lass!!!!!!
You are a jewel to me and so many others…
Sing on Sis…….xxooxxooxxoo lil’ k
January 7th, 2006 21:04
k - whenever you’re ready. IF I can find our guitar!!!! WHERE is the acoustic????? Van probably left it at a bandmate’s house. I got out my keyboard today, but I’m crap at it. I play the same pattern over and over and I’m sick of it. Also, I got out the meganotebook of past hits, and I can’t stand any of them. None of my old stuff feels right anymore. So, I sat on the edge of the bed and tootled on my pennywhistle awhile, but that also felt like crap after about five minutes. NEW is what I need. As in, guitar new. All my other songs are piano driven. I want to ROCK, thankyouverymuch - something you know how to do well, me maid. So TEACH ME.
Whenever you’re ready. (I just watched the Metallica documentary Some Kind of Monster - five minutes ago - and that made me even hungrier for rockin.)
Love you, sis. xo
January 8th, 2006 18:31
You know….in some small way you summed up exactly how I feel about those who lead the worship at church. They are the singers, and voices of the hour. And I kind of get irked that they get so much attention, when all of our voices are beautiful to God. I admit that it makes me jealous that I was given a scratchy, off tune voice…and my husband has this beautiful robust voice that can lead a choir. Everyone says, oh good job that was wonderful…etc etc. and they are RIGHT it IS wonderful….but the people fail to recognize that the beautiful voices don’t belong to those individuals. And it bothers me that the choir members, or whatever take that credit. Anyway…it is definitely an issue for me. And I feel so little when I try to sing. And I feel so unworthy sometimes that my voice is so badly tuned. But I am geared to want recognition, which is something I try to overcome. It is encouraging to me that you, as someone who can sing can separate your talent from yourself and give it to God alone.
But also, I appreciate hearing someone who sings well, and is humble…and I think that is where you are at.
January 8th, 2006 20:40
Kell,
It will be good to sit and pluck some chords with a old friend.
I’ve been kinda overwhelmed today…
Where do we go from here…Can we get there from where we’ve been…will the joy of singing return?
I’m not as hopeful as I used to be…
Like I said, I’m a little overwhelmed today.
Love,
lil’ k
January 9th, 2006 09:30
Back from a much needed three weeks off. Just wanted to say hi, maybe I’ll make a witty yet pithy comment later. For the moment, I’m just wondering when it’s going to start feeling like 2006. Probably sometime in 2008. I still haven’t even moved past 2004 yet!
Anyways, hello Kelly!
January 9th, 2006 12:53
Kass, you’ve summed it up. I HATE the way the worship team is fawned over and adulated and worshiped itself, while at the same time - while I was part of it - I craved the attention. Most people are too immature to not need attention in some way, and by “immature” I mean, normal human beings. If we’re made in God’s image, of course we want attention! Look at me! I’m GOD! I honestly honestly think that the whole idea of worship as it’s come to be known and acted out needs to stop. Or at least, let’s be honest about it. Some people are stars, and we want them to be. It’s their gift, and we LOVE it, as we should. That’s okay. So, let’s just be entertained! If the music draws us to God, awesome - we can worship then. But let’s stop calling the profession something it’s not (like, ministry). Or maybe let’s put “worship” in the hands of complete non-professionals so everybody’s on a level playing-field and nobody feels inferior. It’s STOOPID, idn’ it? How did we get so far off? Damn that Constantine.
I have a friend who - I believe - should by now be a world-renowned musician. She’s unbelievably talented, yet she keeps crawling back to the church, which kicks the shit out of her every time. I’m going to write my state representative and try to get a bill passed that separates Music from The Church. Lots of people will squawk, but I believe more will cheer. xo
@@@
Li’l - and I’m flat-out depressed today. I told Jean I feel like a snail crawling deeper inside her shell, where - when I reach the very middle - I’ll disappear like the twinkle of an eye. The thing is, this doesn’t really feel like a bad thing. It feels like a letting-go of everything I’ve grasped so tightly. I’m going to let go - if I can - of all the “shoulds” that have ruled me, except the ones that make me take care of my kids. Nothing else matters right now. It’s not a “doing” time; it’s a learning-to-be time. Again. I’m just so driven, and it’s driving me crazy. I can’t find the guitar anyway.
Today let’s just be kind to ourselves. kiss. xo
@@@
FM! I’ve been wondering about you! I’m glad you popped in. Did you have a nice vacation? Yeah, nowadays all the years meld into one; in fact, New Year’s meant NOTHING to me this year. I didn’t even KNOW it was New Year’s Eve until a friend mentioned the party she was going to. Crazy, huh? As I get older, my perspective changes. Hey, at least you’re not stuck in, say, 1994! Which is where I am, considering that we still have dial-up.
xo
January 10th, 2006 21:49
Kell…..I’m gonna be a grandma!!!!!!!!!!just found out!!! My prayers have been answered for that girl of mine!!!!!!!!!! I’m so excited…and I just can’t hide it…I’m about to lose control, and I think I like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lil’ k, future grandma k