Who woulda thought it figured?
After tossing and turning last night until around 1:30a, truly depressed for no good reason except that I’d allowed my mind to wander down dark alleys no human being has any business wandering down, I finally fell asleep. I remember dreaming. And now I’m awake and feeling better, which is a good thing because I have business to do today. Money business. Oh, I despise money business. But I don’t want to talk about that.
What I’m wondering is how we can even survive our lives with any semblance of sanity intact. Do you ever mentally let go of all the stuff you have to ‘do’ and suddenly find yourself fighting the urge to scream in abject terror? It’s been a long time since that happened to me, but it happened last night - and in my despair I turned to God. I don’t often do that anymore; in fact, I’m losing much of the faith in him that’s always sustained me. This really, really bothers me but I can’t help it. The path I’ve been traveling has led me directly here, to this point, and I simply don’t want to force myself to believe anything that doesn’t make sense anymore.
I find it a little ironic that while Scott’s been away, his faith has grown. We’ve flip-flopped. It’s hilarious, she says sarcastically. He’s telling me not to worry; that God has us in his hands; he has a plan; he’s confident that God’ll show us the way, and I’m thinking, Crap, while I feel around for the girl who used to wholeheartedly believe the same things. She’s not there. I feel a little like I moved away and forgot to give God my new phone number.
My hope is that I’m only fumbling around in this dark room temporarily and that eventually I’ll find the door and head back out into the light. I keep thinking that love is going to save me. Like in The Last Battle, where C.S. Lewis asserts that even a devout follower of the demon Tash - once he’s recognized that he’d been worshiping the wrong person - would be welcomed by God with open arms…
Sorry, you guys. I know some of you don’t believe in God, so this is a moot subject, and I swear I had no intention of going into all this. I was going to talk about boogers. It’s just that this is weighing on me right now, and also, Torie’s going through some rejection at school and I feel helpless. I guess she doesn’t understand how a boyfriend can monkey up the works with friends; it’s a hard lesson, and I can’t storm the halls with a flamethrower to force her friends to be nice. I hugged her, and told her I would pray for her.
I know. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? Love you guys. xo
April 11th, 2006 08:22
Morning!
Your honesty is what makes all the difference. You have more faith than you think, I think. He just wants to hear your heart.
Boogers are great too.
April 11th, 2006 08:42
Kels,
I wish I could be all wise, and give you words to help. But I can’t. This is just the kind of thing I have been talking about this year. Remember the “prayers bouncing off the ceiling”? That was but a tiny bit of it. Things *are* better but still not to the point where I can even presume to have answers. I have nothing to give. Sorry.
Love you Kelly, hang in there.
hugs and prayers (how ironic…)
April 11th, 2006 08:53
Kelly, when something/someone has been such a HUGE part of your life, how are you ever going to abandon it/them? It seems to me that you just don’t get on with all the “stuff” surrounding God. You know, the actual physical church rather than the Big Guy himself. Don’t apologise, it’s part of who you are. I only wish I had some kind of faith.
And while we are on the subject, there are WAY too many boogers in this house at the moment!Colds a-plenty. Roll on springtime, we are still f-f-f-f-f-freeeeeezing here.
April 11th, 2006 09:00
I totally relate to your feelings. When I started my blog, I think it was out of some sort of rebellion. And I assumed it would lead me to a large amount of “negativity”, but somehow, even in my blog, God has found me. I’ve inadvertantly hooked up with lots of Christian blog friends and I’m filled with amazement and wonder on a daily basis.
Thanks for this fantastic post, MANY people feel this way and are too afraid to say so.
April 11th, 2006 09:07
Anne, I talk to God about boogers all the time. I’ll bet he wishes I HAD forgotten to give him my number…
I hope you’re right. That’s all I have to hold onto now. xo
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Karedy, at least I’m moving forward. Change is inevitable for a growing person, I think, so I feel encouraged. But I also feel a little lost.
And don’t worry about not having wise words to give me. I can’t stand advice, unless I ask for it directly. Who can really tell us what we should believe? We’re doing our best to figure things out… and we all walk different paths… I just like knowing you’re here. That makes me happy. You guys make me happy!
xo
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Claredoodle, you’re right. God and church et al have been a huge part of my life; were everything to me for most of it; so to come to this point is heartwrenching and I’m trying to find my sea legs. I want to believe, but I’m not going to force it anymore. Clare, I want to ask you something. Do you despair sometimes? Or are you perfectly satisfied with what you believe (or don’t)? Of course, I despaired plenty when I was thoroughly immersed in church, so it’s probably just a human condition we all deal with, if we’re honest.
I just want to be honest, you know?
Scott has a terrible cold, too, as does his roommate. It’s freezing in Nantucket. I’m sorry your family is cold and sick, toodles. I’d send some of our gorgeous weather over to you if I could… xo
April 11th, 2006 09:16
Hi Melly. As a church girl (I’m assuming, or at least a former one), haven’t you found that we’re not encouraged to ask questions? Isn’t that the hugest crock o’ shit in the world? We tend to shun those who do, and anyone who’s different. Well, I’m at the point where I love those who are different, because at least they’re using their brains. Not to say those who have faith aren’t using their brains (yipes! i don’t want angry emails!) because I don’t believe that at all… But I’ll only respect those who’ve come through the fire and out the other side. Who’ve really thought things through…
Right now I’m blind, and feeling my way. It feels weird, but I can’t change it. And yeah, I’ve been amazed at the number of people who feel similar to how I do. Amazed. Isn’t it sad that we’ve had to congregate outside the church? We need to meet in a bar. Tonight? 8p? xo
April 11th, 2006 09:30
Despair? Because I don’t have faith? Surprisingly, no. Maybe because I’ve seen so many people who have it and it didn’t seem to make them happy. When I was a kid, we went to church every week, my Mum was (is) church organist, her sister was Sunday School teacher. Not one of my 4 siblings attends church now (back then, none of my schoolfriends did either) I think it’s different here. My mother-in-law makes a big deal out of being Catholic, yet goes to church in the morning “to get it out of the way”. What’s THAT all about?
I think I’m the type of person who needs PROOF (yes I know many people would say look at the beauty around us) but I have issues such as…how can a loving God allow such dreadful things to happen?
Think I’d better shut up. But maybe first I should add that I respect other people’s beliefs. And that I try to be a good person.
April 11th, 2006 09:32
Hehe, I wish you could’ve seen my Gabriel’s reaction just now when he saw your photo. I think he is rather taken with you, judging by the pointing and jabbing at the screen accompanied by high-pitched “OOooooooooohhhh!!!”
April 11th, 2006 09:57
Claredy, see? I KNEW I would have that effect on Gabriels!!! Now if only M. Byrne would take a gander…
Ha! Give Gabes a squeeze for me, okay? He’s the cutest little thing EVER.
Okay, I think despair - whenever it comes - is just something we all go through, despite our beliefs. I’ve just never experienced not believing in God, so I wanted to hear from your perspective. We’re the same after all, Claredy, no big surprise.
Exceptin’ you’re a gangstah, Dona Kelleone… and I’m still upset that I’m not gangstah enough to steal your made-up name and be Kelly O’Kelly. I mean, wouldn’t that be cool?
By the way, I can tell you’re a good person, and that you respect others’ beliefs. That’s why I like you, and why I’m going to send you a bunch of money.
xo
April 11th, 2006 09:59
I think Kelly, that right now part of my disorientation is the transition out of my church that I have attended since I was 5. It’s scary. No *terrifying*. And I’m so afraid of making a wrong move. I don’t know how to exist outside my church. I’m gonna have to learn.
So, yeah, blind is a good word, so is lost.
And very, very anxious. But I too am feeling my way and praying each step of the way. Fortunately I have connected with a new church plant where I can ask questions. Where there is no list of rules for being a good Christian. Where people are accepted as they are - warts and all.
Look at me - you talk about boogers, I talk about warts…
It’s intellectual without being offputting, its culturally engaged, grace filled, mission oriented - oh just go here: http://viachristus.org/ and check it out.
xoxox
April 11th, 2006 10:00
BTW Kelly, did you ever IMDB those movies? Whaddya think?
April 11th, 2006 10:02
Kelly, when I got pregnant with my daughter prior to marriage, I was asked to stand up in front of the church and apologize. Apologize? For what? That my sin is obvious because I’m wearing on my body? What about all those other people who are sinning but we can’t see it because they’re not forced to wear a scarlet letter. Give me a freakin’ break!!!
I most can’t stand the cliques in church. I mean, how are we supposed to feel loved and welcomed, accecepted as sinners if we’re immediately judged and scrutinized.
In IL, we went to Willow Creek (anyone in IL, please go there, it’s amazing) a COMPLETELY Bible believing, but NON-JUDGEMENTAL church, where our children felt safe and not shunned because they were the new kids and didn’t grow up for generations w/the other kids.
Here, we’ve shopped around for churches, but being that we’re…here…we’ve not been so lucky. I refuse to subject my children to a hostile church environment. Not gonna happen.
P.S. Too funny that you called me Melly. The only other person who’s done so is my Great Grandmother.
April 11th, 2006 10:22
Blast! Charles logged me out and now I can’t remember my username or my password.
When I started dating Charles I lost all my girlfriends. I managed to resetablish friendships, though shallow ones, with some of them, but it was never the same. I feel for Torie.
As for mucking about in the dark, I have very little to say about that. I’ve been there, and only been able to say, but not believe, that I was still in God’s hands. But that didn’t change the fact that even though I couldn’t believe it, it was true. Don’t hold onto something just for the sake of holding on. But don’t release the things you do actually know to be true, just because it’s dark and you can’t see.
April 11th, 2006 10:32
Karedy, no, I haven’t imdb’d them yet, but I will. And I know what you’re saying about being terrified; we’ve both been insulated within a particular culture and now we’re out. What do we think now? How do we act? What is there to believe? I feel free, but still unsure about which direction to head in. Sooo, I’ve decided that I just need to put one foot in front of the other, and not worry about it. That doesn’t mean despair doesn’t grab me sometimes by the short and curlies, like, in the middle of the night when I’m vulnerable. I know how you’re feeling right now. xo
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Melly belly (did she add the last part?), I hate all those things, too. I can’t believe you were forced to apologize like that. From an outsider’s perspective, doesn’t that seem incomprehensible and insupportable? And yet, so absolutely accepted by most churches as the way to handle ‘discipline’. In the story, Jesus was the one to draw attention AWAY from the pregnant gal. Hellooo, churches! I detest hypocrisy. People will say that church is filled with human beings who sin, so we shouldn’t complain when everything’s not perfect, but the point is that within those walls we’re condemned for not being perfect. Frankly, I don’t need that kind of stress anymore. What’s the point?
I think we should be encouraged to do good, not punished into it. I’m happy to hear there are churches like Willow Creek out there, but I just can’t stand going to church anymore, anywhere. I’d much rather get together with friends outside of it. Too bad it’s so hard to find friends outside of it, especially now that I’m not working outside my home. Sigh. xo
April 11th, 2006 10:41
Jenns, which is why I’m still searching for the door… I haven’t turned my back on hope. I’m hoping for hope. In the deepest core of my being, I believe in God. I believe that everything’s going to turn out all right in the end (though what the end looks like, I have no idea). It’s just I’m losing my ability to speak, or even understand, the language I grew up with. It feels strange. I’m not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but I’m not going to nurse a baby that isn’t mine, either. You know what I’m saying, I hope.
I wish you could take Torie out to lunch, Jenns. You’d be so good for her. xo
April 11th, 2006 11:02
Hypocrisy. Now that is something I truly detest and saw it all the time at MY church. Oh yeah. BIG time.
April 11th, 2006 11:05
Kell, (no she didn’t add the belly, LOL) too bad we don’t live closer to one another, we could totally hang out!
And, I totally refused to apologize, I left. I’ve never been one to do as I was told.
April 11th, 2006 11:32
I also have been hugely fortunate to be a part of a church very similar to Willow. We do get encouraged to ask questions (about anything, and to question what we are taught), and we teach our kids to do that also. We resent hypocrisy inside our walls and do our best to accept anyone who walks in. I know we are the exception to the rule.
I grew up in the judgemental church and knew friends who were told to “apologize” and I thought it was ridiculous. I was approached (in later years after I left and was a visitor) because my skirt was too inappropriate. Sigh.
It breaks my heart that so many churches are like this. I honestly believe there is a shift in our church culture towards more love. I fervently hope for more acceptance and peace within church walls.
And in spite of the problems even in my own community, I support the Church. Big C. Universally. Because it can be flawed but it can be fixed. It can grow into what it was truly meant to be and I can only pray that it will. And that is why I am a part of it. But I know the struggles of why people leave, why no one wants a part of it, and why sometimes it appears to be completely dead inside. At times it is.
And so much growth can happen outside the walls. It’s too easy to get burned inside.
April 11th, 2006 12:32
sometimes (most of the time) it is easier to conceive that God loves everyone else but us (me), and it is easier for me to give out that message than to receive it myself.
God loves you Kelly.
April 11th, 2006 12:39
Kelly, I know exactly what you are saying. I like the whole “baby” analogy. It worked for me. Actually, I was just writing in my spiritual journal this morning about how I know the “right” answers to my questions but I don’t have the slightest clue what the answers really mean. I know I want to be (trans)formed in the (spiritual) image of Christ, but I don’t really know what that would look like or how to really go about it, sabes? (you know?)
April 11th, 2006 13:07
I just re-read what I wrote above (about getting pregnant prior to marriage) and I must have been typing in a fury because holy crap I can’t spell!!! Or form complete sentences!!! ha!
April 11th, 2006 13:23
In all seriousness, if I had a God, she would love you for doubting her.
(This is a great thread everyone.)
April 11th, 2006 13:50
The Big Guy knows how you feel, and he understands. I do, too. : ) At least, I’d like to think I do. And am herein pretending that yes! I so do! You are a beautiful lady, inside and out, and I think where you are is exactly where you are supposed to be. And in my experience He is far more patient than anyone I have ever met, far more patient than I am with myself. I don’t mean to sound preachy now, but I can honestly say that it’s pretty awesome how your man is feeling all Faith-y (just made up a noun, there) and that it serves to counteract your not so faithy feelings. I think that’s a perfect! way for it to work. If you were both down at the same time, that would be rough. In conclusion: I smooch you! Muwah! ; )
April 11th, 2006 14:53
Claredy, hypocrisy is the hopposite of honesty, and I HATE dishonesty. Pious, holier-than-thou assholism ought to be what’s addressed in church, not out-of-wedlock pregnancy. At least the pregnancy part happens as a result of love. Yikes, baby. xo
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Melly, I admire you because I nearly ALWAYS did what I was told. It took me a long time to grow my own brain cells, but I’m finally doing it. For what it’s worth, I had a pre-baby, too - only I wasn’t involved in church at the time, so I didn’t really have to experience any repercussions. My parents weren’t too thrilled, obviously. But that’s a whole nuther subject. (And they got bettah.) xo
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Annalee, I hope there’s a trend towards more love; it seems I’ve been hearing that lately, and I’m glad. Church should be a place where the disenfranchised feel the most welcomed, not shunned. But that’s what you were saying… It takes non-judgmental people to begin turning the tide, and you’re obviously one of them. I’m glad to know you. xo
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Hee, Kass - you’re right. If you were to bemoan life like I’m doing, I would TOTALLY say, “No, Kass! God LOVES you! blah dee dah dah doo dah day!!” But you know you’re just encouraging my multiple personalities, don’t you? ‘Cause now I’ll talk to myself more than ever.
Actually, I was twitting above, but I don’t know what I’d say to encourage anyone anymore… I would probably preface everything with, “It’s my sincerest hope that…” xo
April 11th, 2006 15:03
Jenns, oh good. You got the baby analogy. I was hoping you wouldn’t be all, “Fine. I’ll never make HER my child’s godmother.”
I guess we have to just find a place of rest within our beliefs, and let things simmer along as they will. I mean, we can search, but I’m learning that the answers, such as they can be, will come along without effort on my part. Just keeping my eyes open is effort enough… Mostly, keeping my heart open to the possibilities of God. If I clam up, I may miss out, but then, who knows? I don’t know. Do you know? We don’t know, do we? kiss xo
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Melly jean, I never chastise people for spelling incorrectly, especially when they’re in the middle of throwing a tantrum. Especially if I’m within dwarf-tossing distance, which in this case doesn’t apply. Whew. xo
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Peef, I wish YOU were God. (Take that thread and go with it, babies!) xo
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Kerrido, I also think it’s interesting that Scott’s all faithy now; I’m not sure what to make of it, so I’m not going to make anything, except maybe some cookies.
Nah, I don’t like making cookies, either.
But if I can use my imagination to sail above all this stuff o’life, I like to think I’m sailing around inside of God, who knows it all… and who has a plan… and everything’s under his umbrella… That’s what I like to hope. I guess ‘hope’ is my word this year. I wish it could be ’sex’. But I’ll have to wait on that.
xo
April 11th, 2006 17:09
I think God has a phone book and the whole unlisted number thing doesn’t really work for him so I am sure he has your number.
Next time you talk to him would you check and make sure that my number is right in that phone book? You know, there are over six billion of us, so some of us are bound to fall through the cracks and knowing my luck it’s probably me.
Wait, didn’t I just contradict myself? Man, I really need to work on this advice thingy. Not that you were asking for advice, maybe I should work a bit on giving advice randomly. That would probably work better.
April 12th, 2006 04:29
Chaz, don’t you think by now that God would have a palm pilot? I DID ask him about your number, though, and when he said he’d misplaced it, along with his glasses, I dug through my old emails and gave it to him. Yes, you can thank Jenn the Monkey Girl for giving me your phone number; she’s just that hard up for people to talk to. I WOULD talk to her, but she chatters so; there’s a lot of ‘eee-eee’ing going on; it’s awful hard to understand her… Sigh. I dunno.
You KNOW I made you Supreme Ruler sometime last year, so it’s your sworn duty and solemn oath to give me advice. I may never take it, and resent you horribly for giving it, but it is your duty. I thought that might reassure you. I should probably also tell you I made Fence Supreme Ruler a few months ago, so there may be civil war brewing. Just FYI. xo