“You’re a filth wizard…”
“Friend only to the pig, and the rat.”
To support the point further, I’m also using a small soup pan for a coffeepot, as I bashed the original article with my elbow yesterday and sent it shattering to the ground. You might not want to walk around barefooted in the kitchen for awhile. I’m just saying.
It’s obvious by now, but I spent the weekend on vacation from blogdom. I wanted to see how the other half lives: you know, those who read books, take long leisurely walks, go out to eat with friends, climb trees, press cider - anything that has nothing to do with a computer. I didn’t like it. So I’m back. I missed you. Apparently, while I was away, I was once again noticed by the blog gods and informed, via the comment section, that one of my posts has been used to advertise somebody else’s point: this time about reading glasses, I believe. Last time it was about widescreen tvs and home entertainment systems. I’m waiting to hear back from the people from Visine. This time I want a check.
I’m very tired this morning. Jess got home late and I badgered him into watching Black Books with me, because watching something funny is 1000% better when it’s watched with somebody else. He didn’t disappoint. If anything, he laughed even harder than me, and at all the right places. Unfortunately, we didn’t finish laughing until half one.
Speaking of reading glasses, mine just aren’t working. I bought the lowest number available and the lenses are still fuzzier than my eyes, so I don’t think poor eyesight is what’s causing my tiredness and red-eyed afternoons. In fact I’m sure it’s not. When Jean was kind enough to point out how awful I looked, I should have just gone ahead and confessed my opium addiction to her and gotten it over with.
Also, I should make another confession, this time to you about being a selfish, selfish mother and putting my own desires over the needs of my children. Or at least, I almost did. It wasn’t until Torie said, “Thank you, Mom. This ankle brace works so much better than the ace bandage I’d been using” that I remembered giving her a bad time about the cost and then turning around and buying lip-plumping gloss at roughly the same price.
I think it works. I mean, it’s hard to tell on my own lips, since - contrary to popular opinion - I don’t spend all day staring at myself in the mirror, but I think it worked on Jean’s. It definitely worked on Jean’s, because I kept glancing over at her and thinking, “Wow, her lips look plump. I really want to kiss her.” Now now, I know what you’re thinking, and that’s not the case at all. I only kissed her that one time, at the New Year’s party, and that was because I was a little drunk, and she was asking for it.
I love you guys. I lurked on my own site this weekend and read all your comments. They made me laugh, they made me cry; they changed my life. Um, I’m still waiting for the check, though. Could you get right on that? kiss xo
May 1st, 2006 07:58
We keep an extra coffee giraffe (I know it’s actually “carafe”, but I think it’s funny to call it a giraffe) in case we break one. We don’t have a backup of anything else that I can think of, but we have that. Priorities, you know.
Hello, Kelly.
May 1st, 2006 08:01
We had a coffee emergency this morning ourselves. Pot finished brewing…I took out the pot…and it was practically clear. Nooooo!! The filter got folded over. Sigh. I had to wait until I got to work to get my brew. It was a tragedy.
May 1st, 2006 08:25
Good Morning hunny-bunch!!!
My only question is, did you remember to keep your pinkies up while plumping your lips? I mean, that’s what’s important, no?
Oh, and, my mother-in-law keeps sending me these collagen stickers to where on my upper lip over night. She gets them from her cough-plastic surgeon-cough. I wonder what she’s trying to say to me?? I can’t even imagine.
Love ya chicky-poo! (I’m weirded out that I love you and I’ve never met you. If we ever meet, I’ll expect a kiss from those plumpy-plump lips of yours!)
May 1st, 2006 08:43
A pair of over the counter Walmart reading glasses is hardly a test for if you need real glasses! I really didn’t think they would help (they didn’t help me) but I thought it might be worth a try at $6. Until you get your eyes tested and find out what is really going on- my diagnosis stands. (I know I’m right) Hahahahaha.
May 1st, 2006 08:46
Oh, and once the papparatzi (sp) gets ahold of this blog and finds out about you kissing me, it’s going to be all over for the quiet private lives we now lead.
May 1st, 2006 08:47
Scott, you’re like the go-to man for good advice. I’m running over to the store and buying three today. This morning my coffee tasted like Campbell’s Beef Vegetable and that will never do.
Top o’ the mornin’ to ya, Scottydo. xo
@@@
Oh, Anneee, and WORK coffee. Ugh. Though, come to think of it, when I worked in an office I was the one making the coffee most of the time so that’s my fault and I shouldn’t even have brought it up.
Weak coffee’s just as bad as a folded over filter. I like my coffee with a little moo to it. I don’t really know what that means; I’m hoping you do.
xo
@@@
Mellybelly, you’ll be SURE to get a plump-lipped kiss from me, don’t worry. Do those collagen stickers work? I was watching something yesterday - oh yeah, Veronica Mars - and one of the women on the show had the hugest, most distorted lips I’ve ever seen outside of Goldie Hawn’s in Death Becomes Her. I thought, My God, why be uglier?
I’m lifting my pinky toes as we speak. kiss xo
May 1st, 2006 08:48
You know the pig isn’t actually all that dirty an animal. And suprisingly smart. But that’s not the point is it?
Black Books is better when watched constantly, cause it means you can slip into this surreal, alternate world where it makes total sense for Bernard to freeze a bottle of wine so he can have it like an ice-pop/ice-lolly/whatever the term over there is.
May 1st, 2006 08:49
I know, Jeans, we are SO screwed once we’re rich and famous. And you know fame is just around the corner, what with our newly plumped lips. But everybody in Hollywood’s kissing everybody else (helloooo Madonna and Britney) so I don’t think it’s gonna be a big deal. We just won’t tell anyone about our night in Vegas.
Woops.
Yeah yeah, trip to the eye doctor. Whatevah. Leave me the hell alone. (hi honey.)
xo
May 1st, 2006 08:54
Wait, nooo, Fence! I haven’t seen that one! No fair slipping into an alternate Bernard universe I’m not privvy to! Waahhhh! Oh, I love that man. Truly, madly, and deeply. Okay, was your first paragraph a quote?, because I SWEAR I’ve heard it and it’s driving me crazy, not knowing where…
I can’t wait to get season 2, and now I have Jesse on my side. He loves it loves it loves it, too. xo
May 1st, 2006 09:09
I like a lot of moo in my coffee…I’m trying to reduce my sugar, but coffee is the one place I fail most miserably. In fact, I don’t even bother. I just pour it all in. Chocolate, sugar, french vanilla creamer. It’s allll good!
By the by…great new Grey’s on last night. Only three more this year! Which means that hopefully season two will be out soon!!
And my hubby told me that ABC is going to start putting every episode of their most-watched shows– Alias, GA, Desperate Housewives, etc– on their website after they air! Another reason for you to upgrade from dial-up! ; )
Happy Monday Kisses!
May 1st, 2006 09:17
gah, I was suffering from withdrawal symptoms.
May 1st, 2006 09:24
“Friend only to the pig, and the rat.”
There is only one person who could say that.
THanks for all the thank you blessings you shower upon me unconsciously for every second that you watch Black Books. You’re welcome. You’re very welcome. And so is Jess.
Everything reminds me of Anne of Green Gables now. Could it be that the book is calling for me? If computers were thrown into that lovely tale, how would it then turn out to be? >_
May 1st, 2006 09:44
Buon giorno, Kelly! I’ve arrived safely in Saratoga, though I had to throw Charles out of the car to lighten the load getting over the Coastal Range. But I made it here in a timely fashion. He’s due in (on foot) any week now.
Yeah, getting your eyes checked by an optomotrist or an opthomologist (which ever it is that checks your eyes) might be there best way to find out if you need glasses. But if it really is the opium addiction then you are good to go.
I love watching things with Charles because he laughs uproariously at the smallest things and I find him amusing (and sexy, but we won’t go there).
May 1st, 2006 09:44
Kell - I’m needing your reading glasses. I realized I typed “where” instead of “wear”. Genius.
The collagen stickers do work but you have to wear one every night. Which means when your husband (if he’s not away on business) rolls over to give you a smooch, he may get a paper cut. I quit trying them. I’m resigned to my lip wrinkles.
May 1st, 2006 09:47
Annie pie, I’m the same as you. Persackly. There’s no point to coffee if it isn’t supported by a thick base of cream and sugary substance. Not sugar exactly, though. Strangely, I can’t stand sugar in my coffee. But sweet creamer? Halleluia.
I READ about the ABC dealie in EW magazine! Yet another ten hours of the day wasted on the computer! Again I say, halleluia! You ARE keeping Dr. Dreamy warm for me, right? xo
@@@
Kaanks, I know, I thought about sending you a personal, emergency post but then got sidetracked with Bernard.
Why are you suddenly reminded by Anne Shirley et al? I read the first book, but found it only mildly interesting. This is one of the rarest cases of tv doing a MUCH better job at capturing our imagination than a book does. For me, anyway. I loved the tv series a million zillion… Have you seen Megan Follows lately? She has, like, smoker’s rasp and looks about 80 years old. Sad. She probably has a disease or something and I’m a monster for saying so. Sigh. xo
May 1st, 2006 09:52
Jenns, I was just over at your place, reading about your adventures. It sounds like you’re having a hail of a time. (sorry, so sorry.) Poor Chaz, though: how sexy is he going to be, watching tv with bloody, blistered feet? Really, Jenn.
I’m so glad you’re popping in, despite the traveling. Are you having fun? xo
@@@
Melly, it’s just silly, isn’t it? We wear (haha, I just typed ‘were’!) masks and muds and collagen stickers and rollers etc to bed with the men we worked so hard beforehand to make think we didn’t NEED that crap. When I was in 8th grade, my girlfriend and I talked all the time about how we were going to get up before our husbands, and put our makeup on so they didn’t have to see us without.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!
Wrinkly lips rule. xo
May 1st, 2006 09:53
Ewwwww. You mentioned *coffee*. I am SO unable to stomach the stuff at the moment. My husband insists on brewing up loads of the stuff. It just serves to keep me on verge of vomits
Wish I could see those plumped up lips of yours. Though I’d more than likely still not want a snog!
May 1st, 2006 10:00
Claredy, I’ll get you to kiss me eventually. I’m a very patient woman. And you mentioned ‘verge of vomits’ - which endears you to me further - because it proves you remember things I say, even stupid, utterly nonsensical things that are better off forgotten. I could kiss you. Oh, which is the point.
If I remember right, coffee made me sick during one of my pregnancies, too. I can’t imagine. Can you drink tea? xo
May 1st, 2006 10:17
Oh Dreamy will be McWaiting patiently for you. And me when I rent the season and watch it all over again!
When I’m sick I don’t like coffee. Something funny in my nose or throat. So I do sympathize with the anti-coffee you feel, Clare!
May 1st, 2006 10:24
You may not want to sympathize with Clare, Anne - it only encourages her gangsta ways. Just FYI. No no, sympathize away. She needs our lovin.
Isn’t it nice that one fake man can satisfy the desires of millions of women? Eeeeexellent. I only hope our video store buys season 2… xo
May 1st, 2006 10:35
That’s the beauty of Netflix…
Fake men are splendid. I love how my hubby watches and enjoys the show along with me. I don’t want to ask which fake chica he thinks is hottest though…
May 1st, 2006 11:21
I know; Scott once told me he had the hots for Cindy Crawford, and I threw a pillow at him, or something (possibly a book). There’s only enough room in our house to contain MY celebrity lust, thank you. So sorry, mister.
I’m Netflixing Father Ted next. Wonder if I’ll fall in crush with him? He’s probably some old, wonky dude, and Fence is laughing…
But Dr. Dreamy now… ha. Honestly, I’m not in crush with him, but he IS handsome. You can have him to yourself, Anne, as long as you’re willing to double with either me and Bernard, or me and Gabriel. I mean, either of them and me. I’m chatty, huh? Come over for coffee. xo
May 1st, 2006 11:23
Hallooo, Kelly!
I’m with Jean on the eye doctor appointment. There’s just nothin’ like getting a prescription for eyewear that clears the whole world up for you. You’ll wonder how you ever got along without them. Really. I’m *just* sayin’.
I took the weekend off from the computer as well. Now I feel like I have three million computer-ish things I must do this morning to catch up. Stupid.
The lady at my salon who gave me a free 5 minute facial after my haircut once told me that I have a perfect arch in my lips. I have no idea what that means, but I find myself wondering while I’m talking to people if they appreciate said perfection… I’d never mess with my perfect arch by applying some sort of plumpalicious cosmetic.
Have a super Monday, Kay-Kay.
May 1st, 2006 11:25
Oh, and McDreamy was really dreamy to me until I saw him in real life on a Barbara Walters interview.
Can you way whiney? And *way* too interested in his own hair? I still like his character on the show, but Burke is WAY more interesting, I think. And !HELLO! the guy is GORGEOUS. ‘Nuff said.
May 1st, 2006 12:04
Cath, Burke is classay, to be sure. Definitely a handsome, handsome man. And I hate seeing crushes in interviews because nine times out of ten they make asses out of themselves (GB excepted, the sweetheart) and ruin everything. What’s funny, though, is a lot of times I end up falling for some previously unknown person who shows up on, say, Ellen, and is hilarious or generous or whatever. Even the girls, but you already know that.
You have perfect lip arches? LUCKY. I generally draw mine in like a 40s movie starlet, but they’re okay without, I guess. Meh. Just kidding about the drawing them in part. I had them permanently tattooed.
Kay-Kay makes me sound like a gangsta. I liiiike it. xo
May 1st, 2006 12:05
Burke is definitely yummy. I can’t agree more on that one!
C’mon…don’t burst a girl’s bubble…that’s why one should never watch their favorite celebrity in real life. They become too real. Yuck.
May 1st, 2006 13:14
I have totally gone off tea which i usually drink by the buckload but cant make myself a decent cup of coffe. Granted Im only using freez dried but it just deosnt taste right and gets me in a right nark fro teh rest of the morning. I like it strong with milk and sugar.
You have tempted me into re-watching Black Books. Which series are you watching? The first? I have the box set so before I sell them on ebay (or to you if youre serious)I really should give it a second chance.
Snogging girls Kell? It must be the name. Im guilty of a little lesbo action myself. Alcohol involved in my case too…
May 1st, 2006 13:26
Anneedo, fan, fantasy… we forget that. We forget that we’d have to hold these guys’ hair off their faces when they barf. Or no, that would be them with us, but same thing.
Still, though…. nah. xo
@@@
Kells, I just plain like kissing, and I can’t very well go a-kissing somebody else’s man, or they’re going to get mad, and - obviously - so will Scott. Surprisingly, nobody cares if I kiss a girl, so, there you go. If I ever come visit you, at the Flat with the Green Door Over the Shop, we’d probably not better get drunk together. I’m just saying.
FREEZE-DRIED coffee??? NO! It’s crap! I’ll send you some good stuff. Oh, and yes, I would like to buy the Black Books series from you, if you end up selling them. I AM serious about that. I only have season one, and I want all of them. ALLLLLL of them. kiss xo
May 1st, 2006 13:53
You were missed too my dear, although I do usually step away on the weekends too, to pretend as if I have a social life, but mostly just to continue sunburning myself, as per the staple summer requirement. ; )
Smooches to you K to the elly.
May 1st, 2006 14:49
Kerribeebur (please don’t ask me to explain because I couldn’t even if I wanted to), I gave up on the burning of the skin a few years ago, because I decided to be nice to my aging skin and give it a break. I want to be the most gorgeous, catfood-eating old woman in the trailer park someday. That’s why I’m white as a lily now, and lovin’ it. People press money in my cupped hands as I pass by, because they believe I’m an albino, but that’s just icing on the cake. Vanilla, of course.
The red hair keeps me from complete invisibility. Oh and it’s WONDERFUL knowing there’s somebody else out there pretending to have a weekend social life. ComPAdre. si si. Muchas besos, mi amiga. xo
May 2nd, 2006 02:41
Maybe you don’t need reading glasses. Maybe you need other glasses - for short-sightedness or astigmatism or summat. See your optician. You should go every two years anyway, just to keep an eye on your general ocular health.
Hi Kelly!
May 2nd, 2006 02:52
Was the pig line a quote? I didn’t think so. But know that you’ve said it, it does sound familar. Course that could be because I wrote it yesterday, so it’d be familar to me. Or because I read/saw/heard it somewhere else.
May 2nd, 2006 06:14
Nines, will you people just leave me alone?! *sob… Okay, okay, I know you’re right. It’s just yet another thing to do, and I’m so tired of things to do that don’t involve buying shoes. And I know I have an astigmatism in my left eye, but it’s not been bad enough to warrant glasses, at least, it wasn’t a few years ago. I guess I need a recheck. Okay okay. Hi sweetie. You finally show up here to admonish me to take care of my physical health. Where have you been all this time regarding my mental? I ask you.
xo
@@@
Fency, well that was no help at all. I could swear what you wrote was a quote… Maybe you’re just so steeped in the world of Cunning Quotes that you don’t even recognize them anymore when they bite you on the buttocks. I think that’s it! I’m going to think about this, because I had JUST heard it somewhere. It wasn’t Black Books… Was it Veronica Mars? Something we’ve seen in common, and recently? And really, who cares?
(guten morgen, leibchen.) xo
May 2nd, 2006 06:31
Oh, there was something about pigs being smart in Pulp Fiction. But then sleeping in its own faeces. And so needing a lot of personality to overcome that problem. Maybe that’s the quote-relationship?
May 2nd, 2006 09:45
I haven’t seen Pulp Fiction in a blue age. Crap crap crap. You know, considering how often pigs are mentioned in movies, you’d think they’d be more grateful. It couldn’t have been BSG; I haven’t watched any of the second half of season 2. And why would they mention pigs?
Crap.