Numb and Number
pssst…. is there anybody out there?
I feel like Pink Floyd:
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Despite my dislike for the word “update” (unless it applies to the command you give a tiresome person when you want him to get off the couch and out of your house after a bad dinner and a worse movie on a Saturday night), I thought it might be nice to give you one. To be honest, I just feel like talking. To be more honest, Heather Anne told me to. But it works out because I’m chatty today, and considering my psychotic aversion to phones, this was the best forum I could think of. Lucky youse!
Yesterday was the official end of my first semester back-to-college. I would like to say that I received As in all my seven classes and was president of the half dozen clubs I joined and even made Homecoming Queen (“Mr. and Mrs. WCC!”), but even though the majority of this blog is predicated on a lie, I feel like telling the truth today. I took only three classes, joined no clubs whatsoever, and I believe my advisor Ron is the true Homecoming Queen. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure I’m not. Go Ronnie.
I did get all As, though. AND my English professor asked if he could use my essays as sample essays for future classes, which was a huge honor, but the biggest honor of them all, and possibly the one that will reverberate down through following generations of WCC students, pinging off walls through venerable halls and knocking people upside the head – and you’ll see why in a minute - is when he asked if he could publish one of my essays in the college magazine. The essay I wrote on masturbation. As in, the glories of. As in, the one I tried to get all my kids to read but they wouldn’t, even though they PROMISED. I’m very proud of it.
By tonight, I will have received 70,000 spams from every porn site in existence for using the word “masturbation” on my blog, since that’s what happened last time, but it’s worth it.
So, how’s everyone? I have three weeks to relax before summer term starts. I will be taking Math for Dummies and a college success class before embarking on the more rigorous fall term. Which begins in August, but hey, why quibble over semantics. I am going to spend those three weeks planting stuff, making stuff, reading and watching stuff, and stuffing myself. I still have a few pounds to go to make the “freshman fifteen”.
News of the fam: Scott’s home from Nantucket for good, and is working in construction until the job as a Miller’s Beer delivery driver comes through in a month or so. Van will be home soon from a two-week National Guard training dealie he has to do to “train for the dealie”, I guess, and when he gets home he’ll register for school at WCC, too. Jess is in Oregon for the time being, getting spoiled by extended family, but when he gets home he’ll also register at WCC. Torie will start her junior year in high school in the fall, but she may take a few cosmetology courses at WCC. If everything goes as planned, there will be four of us attending the same college at the same time, all financed by Scott, who would LIKE to go to school but is too busy working. Ha ha. Isn’t that hilarious? Funny, funny Scott.
I know you’re dying to hear what TV on DVD I’m currently addicted to. That would be The Sopranos, period end. Though I have the first disc of the third season of The 4400 in my hot little hands as we speak (not really – how would I type? use your heads). That’s a good show, too. I’m currently hot into books written by women for women about women, and am considering pursuing Women’s Studies as a major when I actually have to declare one. Or Psychology. Or Grant Writing. I feel like a high school senior in a candy shop.
Oh, speaking of which: my 25th high school reunion is this July. Fence was complaining she’s so old because it’s her TENTH. (Oh, was that a secret, little Fency-wency? Too damn bad.)
Well, my neighbor just went back in the house so there’s no one to spy on anymore—I may as well end this. I hope you’re all doing great. But then, you all ARE great, so of course you’re doing it, too. kiss! xo
May 11th, 2007 13:41
Are you kidding!?
I haven’t read what you have to say yet…had to comment first!
Glad you’re still alive Kelly Belly Boo!
May 11th, 2007 13:45
And now that I’ve read what you had to say, congrats on the classes and the grades and the essays and the stuff.
Have missed you and your lyrical wit.
May 11th, 2007 13:49
Annekin Skywalker. You can’t imagine how shocked I was to find a comment the second after I posted! You win the Big Prize, as soon as I figure out what it is. Maybe a ham.
Thanks, you. xo
May 11th, 2007 14:05
You’re such a sucker for peer pressure. I am telling that you updated. On my blog. Right now.
May 11th, 2007 14:39
Feathy, I know. sigh. But honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t figured out by now that I’ll pretty much do ANYTHING you tell me to. Oh, woops!
We just had a tree-menjous thunderstorm. Did you hear it? xo
May 11th, 2007 15:58
Hey! I remember you! You’re red-headed Kelly. Glad to hear from you.
Hello, Kelly.
May 11th, 2007 16:19
Scottay, how many Kellys do you know? Just curious. I’m also curious about how one should go about spelling “Kellys”. I wish someone would spell me, though, seriously; I’m kind of tired.
Hi, you! xo
May 11th, 2007 17:25
KELLY! I have missed you. I know you wouldn’t know based on all the millions of emails I didn’t write you, but I have missed you. I’m glad to hear you are back in school but STILL enjoying TV on DVD. That’s my life. But I finally graduate in August, so I’m happy. Anyway, thanks for coming back!
May 11th, 2007 17:29
Hey Kelly, thanks for the update, though I have seen Jesse more than you in the last month or so. He and Daniel are so much alike, he looks like your brother, but I was talking about my son.
We bought a house about 5 blocks from your high school. We are supposed to close this coming Wednesday. They are waiting on one piece of paper from my Aunt in Medford. It is four bedrooms, 2 baths and a nice back yard. It is right on 122nd, but sits back and the noise is not bad.
Congratulations on your A’s and getting published. What magazine is the essay going to be in, Playboy, Playgirl or Readers Digest. Say Hi to Scotty for me. Love you and thanks for the update.
May 11th, 2007 17:30
Jenns, I’ve thought of you so OFTEN, especially lately as I’m contemplating what to do when I’m finished at WCC. I’ll have to choose a university somewhere close, unless I do online classes like you’re doing.
I can’t believe you’re graduating en agosto. You should be SO proud of yourself. I’m proud of you! Is Chaz still in Korea? Are you still with your grandparents? What’s up, sis?
kiss! xo
May 11th, 2007 17:34
Roddy! You squeaked in while I was talking to Jenns.
HUSTLER, of course.
Like I’d told you earlier, I’m very happy for you guys, and extremely jealous that you’ll have two bathrooms, since we only have one and have to share the toilet when nature calls. I mean, at the same time. It gets a little messy.
It’s good that Jess has had your boys to hang out with occasionally. He’s needed movie buddies. Congrats again on the house… xo
May 11th, 2007 18:08
Ha, RSS means you can never post un-noticed
*dance of joy for the return of the Kelly blog* Anyroad (is that how it is spelt?) no, not a secret that I’m quickly approaching pension age. Which is made wose by the fact that most of the people I work with are younger than me. Like 21 and 22 young! the horror.
As I said in meine email, congrats on the results and the publication, I’m off to let the spammers know that you used masturbation in your post and are looking for their attention.
May 11th, 2007 19:34
Kelly!
So, so, so, so good to see you! And catch up on your life.
Congrats on the publication. Congrats on finishing your semester and not only surviving, but thriving. I am sooooooo jealous! I just got a huge lecture tonight from my best friend about how I have to quit being mom all the time and do something for myself…. but that’s a whole nother story.
Prom pix up on my site. Carissa had a to die for dress….
Glad Scott is home and you’re finally in one place again. Has to be heaven.
OK - wish I could chat more, but I gotta make dinner (or at least buy some) before the fam mutinies.
xo
May 11th, 2007 19:42
So yeah, Charles is still in Korea. He’ll be home for good next Friday (18th) and I can hardly wait! I got us a cute little apartment that I am still working on because we just got our furniture from the movers not too long ago. I can’t wait to actually move in. This is my last week the the grandparentals for which I am glad and they are a bit sad but also probably relieved.
Let’s see. I’ve been taking a yoga teacher training program and will be certified come the 26th of May. The program ends on Sunday but my final evaluation isn’t until then. I’m excited about it all! And that’s why I haven’t moved into our new place (because it’s 1 1/2 hours away and I am at the yoga studio 6 days a week). I think that’s about it.
Oh, and I got Loki, my mini dauchshund puppy. He’s adorable and I love him! So yeah, my life has changed just a wee bit.
May 11th, 2007 22:36
Mmm. Ham.
May 11th, 2007 23:01
Kell Bell, you rock the blogosphere. And WCC, apparently, even if you got beat out for homecoming queen by a guy. (Is he gay or something?)
1. I hate phones, too. Does that make us kindred spirits?
2. “Jude, it’s okay if you want to play with yourself, just do it in your room or the bathroom!” Does that make us kindred spirits?
3. We shall pray for Scott, that his dream of being in college at the same time, in the same college, as the rest of his family will come true!
4. Me and a bunch of my old high-school mates just discovered Facebook, so although we missed our ten-year two years ago (meaning, no one got their behinds in gear to organize it), it’s like we’re having a 12-year on-line now. Whee!
Big hug for you, Kelly.
Eye missed ewe!
May 11th, 2007 23:05
Make that “A bunch of my old high-school mates and I…” I know someone woulda called me on it, on this literature-inclined blog.
May 11th, 2007 23:50
Masturbation, Math, and Merlot: the three M’s. The future of education. Mmm. Hi Kelly.
May 12th, 2007 05:53
Fencela, I was COUNTING on RSS to alert those who hadn’t given up on me that I’d shown up again like a bad turkey dinner. But otherwise, I know what you mean. I prefer staying hidden, unless of course I’m using the term masturbation. Masturbation, masturbation, masturbation. Surprisingly, none of the porn spammers have caught on yet. Maybe they’re sleeping. That’s so sweet.
Kind of like that commercial you showed. LORDY. xo
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Karedy! I visited everyone’s blog yesterday, so I saw your daughter’s gorgeous dress, but didn’t have time to comment on it. It’s a wonder what you can do with felt scraps, crazy glue, toothpicks, and a little love, isn’t it? (KIDDING - it was truly beautiful.)
I sincerely and emphatically agree with your friend. You’ve been talking about going back to school in bits and fits since I first met you - I think you should take one tiny class to re-light your fire. A pilot light class. Seriously. Go call now. I’ll just wait here ’til you get back. xo
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Jenns, I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU. You’ll have your sweet hubs back, your own place, your own furniture again, your degree, your occupation (a yoga instructor?, so cool), and an itsy bitsy baby dachsund, which undeniably must be the cutest little thing in the universe. Are you just falling on the floor with relief? I’m VERY happy for you. xo
May 12th, 2007 06:01
Anne, I’m so sorry. I ate the ham. How about a nice turkey dinner? xo
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Fency, I’ll bet at first you thought I said I prefer staying hidden unless I’m masturbating, because actually, that’s what I thought I’d said after rereading it. Which would be pretty funny, in a sad, pathetic kind of way like that guy who “frequents” the public library by himself at a corner table and who has to be escorted out of the facility twice a week. They let him stay the other four days, though. xo
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Kindred Spirit Taleny, yes. And also, yes to the gayness. Oh, and also, don’t pray for Scott too hard about the school thing, because even though I said I felt like telling the truth when I wrote the post, I DID lie about that. He doesn’t want to go to school, thank GOD, or I’d feel like a jerk. You’d think I’d be used to feeling like a jerk by now, but I’d rather not. Hey, I’ll take that hug! xo
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Peefy, do we HAVE to include Math? Can’t we just make it M&Ms? (hello, you!) xo
May 12th, 2007 08:49
Thanks for the update. Can’t wait to read your essay when it is syndicated.
May 12th, 2007 10:41
I know a few other Kellys (Kellies?,) it’s true. Those other Kellys, though, mean nothing to me. They’re just web acquaintances, I swear.
Hello again.
May 12th, 2007 10:50
I’ll send you the galley, Neil. I’m glad you stopped by, because I wanted to give you my best wishes for you and Sophia; I was surprised - since I haven’t been frequenting the blogverse - to see she’d had surgery for breast cancer. My mom is a survivor of the same disease, Neil; I know how scary it is to see someone you love go through something like that. My love to both of you. xo
May 12th, 2007 10:53
It’s a good thing you told me that, Scott, because I know ANOTHER Scott and I was just about to send him over to kick yo aaaass.
You have to watch out for us red-headed Kellies. We’re pretty volatile.
Hello! again, you. xo
May 12th, 2007 11:21
If you are into public masturbation, who am I to judge you (though I will, I can be very judgemental when the mood strikes)
May 12th, 2007 11:26
Me too, Fency, me too. Heey, it’s hilarious that you just wrote and mentioned the glorious M word again, because I just sent you my paper in an email! If you hate it, you can escort me out of the blogsphere and I promise I won’t kick and scream too hard.
But if you like it, I’ll step over here and give you a little privacy. xo
May 12th, 2007 11:30
You’re back you’re back you’re back!
*dances*
I will email you in three weeks time when I will be finished the HELL that is finals. Finals that drag on for three months…
You’re back you’re back you’re back!
I’m so glad that going back to college has been so great for you. I’m a fan of the old edumacation. Except I’d like to stop now please. And I’m glad yo man is back home with you - even if his absence did lead to an exceptional piece of writing…
Durrrrrty.
You’re back you’re back you’re back!
I don’t know what we did without you.
Are you still coming to visit me, Fence and Malcatraz this summer?? xxxxxx
May 12th, 2007 12:11
Oh, NMNs, you’re good for the soul… It’s nice to be so missed that you elicit dancing. Is it illicit dancing I’ve elicited, though? ‘Cause that’s the only good kind. I’m actually not back on a regular basis, however, because once school starts up I’ll be busy again, but I’m here now! It’s ironic in an Alanis Morissette kind of way that I have three weeks off until school, and you have three weeks of school until you’re off. sigh.
I keep WAITING for that money to fall from heaven so I can visit you all in Dublintown, but it’s just not happening yet. Maybe if I chose other topics with which to fashion young impressionable minds? I’m pretty sure God doesn’t mind, though some of his people might. Pah.
I’ve thought about your mom countless times this semester, seriously. She’s my inspiration, though I’ve never met her. I’m so HAPPY to be in school. I am in LOVE with school.
And happy I have friends who missed me. Prrr. Can you see the big smile on my face? kiss! xo
May 12th, 2007 12:43
Hi Kellikins
Can’t you just smuggle onto a plane to Dublin, or something? Once you’re here, we can mug a few pensionsers to pay for your bed and board. Handier than an ATM, I find. In fact, Fence will be more than happy to put you up in her flat, and feed you.
Congratulations on the masturbation essay! How about making it into a book? You could call it the Compleat Wanker: a One-Handed Handbook.
Hi, Rod!
May 12th, 2007 13:12
Mallington Beachcomber. I don’t know WHY I didn’t think of asking for YOUR advice instead of waiting for money from heaven. Do you think they’d make a suitcase big enough to accomodate me, especially after I’ve finished gaining my freshman fifteen?
And now that you have your own couch, I’ll take over YOUR apartment! I mean, flat! Mwah ha ha! Just make sure there’s lots of peanut butter.
Okay, and your title made me laugh. Mal, you’re funny. Rod says hi back. kiss! xo
May 12th, 2007 13:36
I mean, Mally, I’m ASSUMING Rod says hi back. For all I know, he’s moved to Guam and is learning to juggle boomerangs. Because that’s what they do in Guam. They can’t read English, so they haven’t learned about wanking yet. xo
May 13th, 2007 02:04
Please could you Email the essay to me? Yes, I do want to read it for I think I will love it and well, WCC is a little too far for me to get hold of the published copy.
=) Ace
May 13th, 2007 09:18
Rod does indeed say hi back! Even if he is not quite sure to whom he is saying it. I have not moved to Guam, however I have learned to juggle multiple streams of consicousness while simulateounsly appearing to know what I am doing.
Kelly, will you please send me the essay and I will be completely non judgemental until I submit it to the other members of the Beach Club.
Thanks for writing again even if just for a few weeks. Congrats on school, isn’t it fun at this age. Though I went back when I was 39 and graduated when I was 43.
Happy Moms Day to all you muthas.
May 13th, 2007 10:58
Ace! I will definitely email you a copy; I’m happy to! It’s good to hear you’re so happy in London. I think you could easily have about twenty-five blog people camping out on your lawn this summer, if you wanted. You could charge for the privilege. And on foggy evenings around the campfire, you could read my essay aloud to them.
I just read online that there’s a Masturbation Festival of some kind that’s held in London, though it started in San Fran. Yowza. I’m telling you: you could make a mint. kiss! xo
May 13th, 2007 11:02
Hey Roddy oddy (that nickname in no way reflects your character) (well okay, yes it does, but that’s not necessarily a negative), I will be happy to also email YOU a copy of my essay. I’m delighted to get the message out, because contrary to popular belief, I did NOT write it as a joke. I believe in its message.
And your streams of consciousness remark was funny. And the BEACH CLUB! HA! Let’s see what M.T. says about it. Maybe he’ll write us a letter.
Thanks for the congrats on the school end, and the mutha end. xo
May 13th, 2007 14:04
There’s also a penis museum in Iceland. Straight up (so to speak).
May 13th, 2007 17:14
Happy Mom’s Day, everyone!
I’ve been laughing my way through every comment left since I was here last, so let me check what I was actually replying to. Be right back.
…
Oh, yeah, I somehow suspected that Scott didn’t really want to go back to school. Sometimes it’s easy to tell when you’re just making stuff up because it works really great in a paragraph!
(Note: sometimes.)
I also want to tell you, Kelly. After reading one of your posts, I write better. How does that work?
You inspire me. I love your way with words. I had been dreading (okay, that might be too strong, but I was definitely procrastinating) doing a meme on my blog all week, and after reading this post, I not only did the meme but turned out a piece of writing that I can be proud of, after a bit of a “dry season”, cleverness-wise.
I know that I can’t rely on your writing to be my blog-prompts all the time, since by necessity, it is so infrequent, but I just wanted to say thank you. Just thank you. Just for being you.
May 13th, 2007 17:25
Aw. I’m glad my mammy inspires you! She’s so happy these days - pissed off with her supervisors of course but happy! - and planning trips to other continents to attend conferences and maybe even present papers. She’s so impressive!
And Mal’s right - you can totally afford a trip to Ireland if you stay in our flats!! (Hey Mal!!) It’s accommodation that costs the most after all…
But maybe you could save your trip til Christmas 2008 - there’s a certain Special Event that should be happening then for myself and the Beloved. (Although it’s not official yet so don’t get all excited…
)
May 13th, 2007 17:27
Maldemort, just in case people didn’t believe you, I thought I would provide this handy-dandy link.
May 13th, 2007 17:30
NM! WHAT?? You won’t let me get excited!??? That’s not fair… I’m going to jump up and down when you’re not looking, okay? I hope it happens, sweets. And it would be a blast to be there, NM. Ireland at Christmas… yep. I can definitely see it. Yep yep YEP.
Did you see your mammy today, and give her an extra squeeze? Sneak one in for me, too, for being such an inspiration. xo
May 13th, 2007 18:52
Taleny! You totally sneaked in between my two Irish friends and I missed you. Canadians are so quiet, anyway. (Plus, they have a great sense of humor and never get offended when people say they’re quiet.)
Seriously, though? THANK YOU for what you said. That’s so encouraging, not to mention sweet. Canadians are so encouraging and sweet.
(Thank you again, Tals.) xo
May 14th, 2007 02:08
Lawn? What lawn? Ace is lawn less
But I will hire out Hyde Park for 5 quid a night. Sure. =)
I said quid…
May 14th, 2007 05:07
Dhera boy, you can be jumpin’ up and down when I have the ring on me finger, alrigh’?
So if you start saving now, you can haste to the weddin’ in a year and a half or so. M’kay?
Didn’t see my mammy today sadly - she’s at home and I’m here so I won’t see her for a good few weeks. Saw her for about five minutes last time I was home but it was a great five minutes. She lent me her gorgeous red leather jacket so that I’d feel all warm and grooovy in my last month of college. I
May 14th, 2007 05:41
Kanks, what IS a quid, anyway? A pound? Aren’t all you Brits using euros now? Don’t make me ask Heather Anne.
) (We’ll all just camp out in your flat). xo
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NMs, well, okay then; suspending jumping up and down will save wear and tear on my legs anyway. I guess I’ll wait.
Oh, I’m sorry you didn’t see your mom yesterday. I didn’t see mine either, because she’s all the way across the country from me. But now I’m a little put out because MY mom didn’t lend me a gorgeous red leather jacket for my last month of college. (MOM?? I know you’re reading this!)
I’ll bet you DO feel warm and groovy. Do you have boots to match? You’ve got to have boots to match. xo
May 14th, 2007 08:35
Oh*oh*oh*oh*OHHHHHHHH! I am excited (no, NOT in THAT way hehe!) just so happy to “see” you again! I’ve been wondering how you’ve been getting on and now I know.
You can come and camp out on my lawn, though I’d probably charge more than 5 quid, maybe I’d throw in a pot of tea and some xuxumber sandwiches
(Ace, you should really call it a “fiver”!) Euros?? Pah! Don’t you know the English would never relinquish the pound?
Are you going away again now? Please don’t leave it so long before your next posts, I need all the laughs I can get these days..
May 14th, 2007 08:36
erm…did I say “xuxumber”?!! Would you believe me if I told you it was Welsh for cucumber? Hmmm?
May 14th, 2007 15:20
No boots. Just runners with sparkly red bits on them…
I had a massage today. It was WONDERFUL.
May 23rd, 2007 10:49
KELLY!!!
Obviously, since I’ve been OUT OF THE COUNTRY, I missed the big return. And now I’m so freaking busy trying to catch up from my vacation that I simply have no time to read the oodles of posts you’ve written since you came back.
But I will. I promise. Right after I finish the other 146 things on my to do list.
Welcome back, friend! Missed you.
May 23rd, 2007 14:11
Cath, I’m so glad you stopped by even though you’re busy. That makes me happy. I don’t mind being 147 on your list, because it’s kinda nice making somebody’s list at all, you know?
Unless it’s one of the Sopranos. I don’t want to be on THEIR list.
Welcome back to you too, friend! xo