Don’t you judge me
I came in here this morning to write a post, any post, any ridiculous or poignant or titillating post at all, but got caught up instead in watching YouTube videos of David and Amy Sedaris. David Sedaris is my favorite essayist in the world; his stories about himself and his family and all their “adventures” are some of the funniest I’ve ever read, and Amy, his sister, is a very gifted and hilarious character actress. I want to be her best friend. I want to be David’s best friend, too. I’ve written them dozens and dozens of letters every week for three years now asking if I can be their best friend, and have received only five form letters and a Lifesaver Candy Book last Christmas from David’s assistant, Ronny. I’m hopeful. I think this will be the year.
I’m a hivey person. I never used to be; it’s only been in the last year or so that I started breaking out in hives at any sign of stress, and believe you me, I have a stressful life. I have to get out of bed every morning, and am responsible for taking the dogs out to pee. That’s every single morning. So you can see why I’m susceptible to the hives. The whole problem started when I was in 8th grade and got chicken pox. I don’t know where I got the pox from, but in the interest of “paying it forward”, I remember sneaking into my brother’s room while he was sleeping and breathing right into his nose, and rubbing my pillowcase on his mouth, because I was bored and didn’t want to be home alone while he went off and had all that fun at school. Subsequently, Danny and I spent two glorious fun-filled weeks screaming at each other, enduring oatmeal baths, and comparing and measuring the depth of our respective pocks. I still have my first one, right on the base of my hairline, at the top of my forehead. You really have to dig to get those babies to last for 28 years, and I couldn’t be prouder.
Let me give you a little lesson in medical stuff. There’s this virus called “varicella-zoster”, okay? - which is, let’s say, like the ocean. From the Varicella-Zoster Sea flow many tributaries, one of which is herpes, something I do NOT have, Ronny, so don’t you go telling David or Amy I do, and another of which is chicken pox and all its various runnels and rivulets. Because I got the chicken pox that one time, I have had to endure shingles, swimmer’s ear, bunions, scabby knees, hairy knuckles, thick ankles, split ends, and the latest glorious incarnation, heil hitler: hives.
The hives that had taken up residence on my thighs are gone now, but my legs still feel like they’re crawling with them. I’m on massive doses of allergy medication, which alters my perception of reality and reduces me to quivering mounds of green jello at any provocation, of which there is MUCH, remember? Taking the dogs out every morning? Hello? So don’t you judge me for watching the Sedaris’s this morning instead of writing to you first thing. I’m sending you all Lifesaver Candy Books this Christmas, if I can stop scratching my legs long enough to get to the store. Hey you guys! It’s a gorgeous day. kiss! xo
May 31st, 2007 08:12
Could I get herpes just from visiting this site? Herpes? Herpes? That’s all I picked up on in your post. HERPES!
Obviously, karma works, since your biological warfare against your brother has been rewarded with the ultimate punishment; having to let the dogs out to pee. Why not just let them pee on the floor? That’s what mops are for. Torie can use a mop, can’t she?
May 31st, 2007 08:17
Dammit! NO ON THE HERPES.
NO ON THE HERPES. sigh. Hi Maldemort. I’ve tried letting the dogs pee on the floor, but I only end up slipping in it, due to that dratted karma. Honestly? I’m trying to remember if we even own a mop. xo
May 31st, 2007 08:32
Did you say herpes?
May 31st, 2007 08:40
Luckily I’m classy enough to ignore your herpes infection, but can I just point out that where you say “allergy medication” I say “EPO”. You cyclist you!
May 31st, 2007 08:48
ha ha, you Irishers are SO FECKIN FUNNY.
Mal, I’m going to send you some anthrax this afternoon.
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Fencer, HA! You’re right! One thing always leads to another. You start bicycling, and soon enough you’re mainlining heroin.
Sorry, I had to scratch my knee.
May 31st, 2007 09:11
think of how many of the world’s problems are related to skin. I say we get rid of it altogether. We’re all the same underneath, after all (except androids.)
Hello, Kelly.
May 31st, 2007 09:23
Oh, Scotty. You have NO IDEA how much I was in love with Data, from STNG, as if I even have to provide the acronym. Even his waxy yellow skin turned me on.
Trust me, I’ve been doing all I can to rip the skin off my OWN body. Wish me luck.
Hi there, you!
May 31st, 2007 09:29
ROFLMAO. Sorry for your pain….or itch, but this post is just too funny. LOL.
Oh - and DON’T talk to ME about dogs peeing. My old sick dog is up every 2 hours all night long needing to pee. Imagine, if you lived with him you’d never be able to quit scratching long enough to get me my lifesaver book……
May 31st, 2007 09:41
How were dogs ever allowed in the house in the first place, Karedy? It’s ridiculous, honestly, much as I love my two freaking mutts. And they have to learn so many rules, poor things. No wonder they go a little crazy.
True fact (as opposed to a false fact): White animals are insane animals. The whiter the skin, the crazier they are, which may also apply to humans, based on my own personal experience of living with me.
WHAT is ROFLMAO? I’m not up on the current acronyms. I’m still stuck on the Star Trek ones.
May 31st, 2007 10:53
hey Kell, only one more load to move and we will be moved out. It is starting to look like a home instead of a storage depot for boxes. i haven’t picked up a book in over a week. We keep finding boxes of my stuff that never were opened the whole time we lived in the apartment. TTYL
May 31st, 2007 10:56
You’re a hoot.
Does Lifesavers still make candy books?
May 31st, 2007 11:14
TTYL? TTYL??? What?? sigh. I’ll never move comfortably into the 21st century. OH, “talk to you later”? Lord.
I’m glad you’re almost moved into your new house, though, Roddy. That’s got to feel great, and it’ll be like Christmas, opening all those old boxes! Or you could just toss them unopened into storage, like we always do.
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Heathy, noodle, YES, they make Lifesavers Candy books, though possibly only at Christmas, when I get them for my kids’ stockings. Because my parents got them for MY stocking, though my brother’s stocking was always filled with coal.
Butter rum is my favorite. Is Cherry yours?
May 31st, 2007 11:17
Can you say “I’m a fantiastic story teller via the written word”? Go ahead. Say it.
May 31st, 2007 11:40
BAINE!! Every.single.day I think, “I have got to write Lorraine an actual letter, instead of expect her to get all her news about me via the blog” but frankly, lately, it’s been all I can do to drag myself to the computer to write even THIS little bit. You may not know it, as you’re dazzled by my so-called “fantastickness”, but I’m actually kind of depressed. And delusional. And overwhelmed because I have to start school on Monday, and I don’t wanna. I just wanna stay in bed. BED.
Maybe I should write you a letter…
May 31st, 2007 12:27
Yes, cherry is totally mine. How did you know that?!
May 31st, 2007 12:34
A-cause you love cherry popsicles! See? I’m no slouch when it comes to knowing my friends.
May 31st, 2007 14:52
Roll On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off
Honestly Kells, move with the times
May 31st, 2007 15:08
Is there a BOOK of 21st century acronyms? Because I’m looking around for it, and I can’t see it anywhere!
Isn’t it past your bedtime, Fence?
May 31st, 2007 15:23
Did someone say candy?
May 31st, 2007 15:27
Actually, that was a serious question! My other half (other, not better, ROFLMAO…RollingOnFloorLaughingMyArseOff) is in Miami and asked me what sweeties (ie candy) he should bring back with him. He certainly knows the way to my heart. It’s through my (rotting) teeth
How should I know what to recommend? I have never set foot in the U S of A. What shall I tell him to get?
May 31st, 2007 15:36
No, honey. That was over on Heather ANNE’s site. Something about Swedish Fish.
We are famous for our Hershey’s candy, but I should amend that to “infamous” because it’s all waxy goodness. I can’t think of anything American to offer you, sweets. Get it? Sweets? Oh, Mike & Ike’s! Those are good… And Butterfingers, and Junior Mints… Claredy, you should really do a post asking which candy people would recommend. And ask over on Heather Anne’s site, because they’re ALL candy-eatin experts over there.
May 31st, 2007 15:40
You are SO right, she is an expert, I’ve noticed she has opinions on all the important stuff!
PS You DID say “Lifesaver Candy Books” which made my sugar radar beep, even if I have no idea what you are talking about! (off to google David Sedaris, again noooooo idea!) Ahhhh, it’s another world across that pond….
May 31st, 2007 15:47
Another world, Claredy, but no one around here is going to claim it’s a better one.
You don’t have Lifesaver candy rolls? Ohhh, that’s sad. You should have Dr. O’K pick you up one of those, at least. And by all MEANS POSSIBLE, ask Heath about the candy. She’ll know, honey.
May 31st, 2007 16:53
Well, that would explain Cairo’s insanity. I just posted pix of him and my darling Emma over at my blog. I didn’t post pix of the sick dog. It’s too sad…..
Oh, and thanks Clare for filling Kelly in on ROFLMAO!
May 31st, 2007 19:04
I’m sorry you have a sick poochy, Karedy. I’ll take a peek at Cairo and Emma, and it really IS true about white animals. I’m not making that up. I read it in a book by an expert, which actually, you might find interesting, too. It’s called Animals in Translation, by an autistic woman named Temple Grandin, who’s a WHIZ GENIUS with animals, and is hired by companies all over the world to deal with animal problems. It’s a fascinating book.
You’re always looking for good books, right? right? And if you come across any on modern day acronyms, let me know.
May 31st, 2007 20:15
I peeled my skin off once, but it made my clothes stick to me. Not pretty.
Did you ever hear David’s essay about the monkey bartender? OMG, TFF (Oh My Gawd, Too F*ing Funny)
May 31st, 2007 20:33
I’m proud of you too, you sexy thang.
June 1st, 2007 01:21
Ew, that’s just nasty, MW. But it gave me a great visual and a great visual always perks me up. I feel TONS better now. So, did you use a crochet hook? Or one of those orange peeler thingies?
NO! He has an essay about a monkey bartender?? Get OUT! I have three of his books: Naked, Me Talk Pretty One Day, and Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, and have read Barrel Fever, but I don’t think I’ve run across that essay… or don’t remember if I have. And yesterday on YouTube was the first time I’d actually seen or heard him live. Oh, I just love him. It’s nice to meet another fan. Can you get me his number, Mad? Thanks. VD, IBM, CNN
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Peefy! If you’re proud of me for that, you should see my appendix scar. You’d break out the Nobel Prize.
And uh, thanks. Now you have me singing, “I believe in miracles… where you from…?” etc etc. I’m trying to sleep here. sigh.
June 1st, 2007 13:43
I used the pavement. Motorcycle accident.
June 1st, 2007 18:33
Wait a second; I missed! your comeback? Ack, and crap! and other such! exclamations. Now I totally have reading on which to catch up. Yessss.
(Hi! friend. I have missed! you.)
June 1st, 2007 18:34
Oh, and also: I love! that picture of you. You are so lovely.
June 1st, 2007 19:51
MW, don’t you think an orange peeler thingie would have been, oh, a little more delicately “Christo” than your infinitely more comprehensive pavement-grinding? I’m just wondering out loud. You shock artists; always trying something shocking.
Still and all. Have you seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer? You have such great taste with the Sedaris’s, I’m just wondering about THAT out loud, too.
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Kerri-doodle! I’ve been trying your blog for awhile now, hoping for some new news, but here you’ve come to me! Yay! Come to me! Here! Exclamation! Exclaim! I’m glad you’re back, too. How long will you be back? I’m not sure how long for me; when school starts back up in the fall, I’ll be hard-pressed to blog, but that’s AGES away. Let’s live for the Now.
Thankee, sweetness.
June 1st, 2007 21:20
Wow. Sure does get busy around here, huh?
I’m sad for your hives. Oh I wouldn’t wish them on my worstest enemy. Course, that kind of depends on how much I dislike said enemy, but it would have to be pretty foul.
Feel better, K? Maybe get a doggie door so doggies can let themselves out? Or just lock them out at night? Or watch another episode of Heroes and get a superhuman ability to repel the hives and that would just solve everything!
Sweet! I fixed it!
June 1st, 2007 22:19
Annoo, maybe that’s YOUR superhero talent! Fixing erstwhile insurmountable problems! Let’s see, if I locked my doggies out at night, since we don’t have a fenced yard, they’d only run around the neighborhood rolling in every poo pile they could find. I know this from experience, as they attempt escapes whenever they can. And they’re Labs: they’d require half the door for their doggie doors, so that’s out. sigh.
Heroes is sounding better all the time. And also, becoming an alcoholic.
I appreciate your hives sadness, being as you just came out of them yourself. Hive sisters, that’s us. Bzzz.
June 2nd, 2007 11:49
Well, there you go, maybe the alcohol will solve the hives…
June 4th, 2007 23:59
I don’t have time to read through everybody’s comments on this one, but this made me think of a post I will be doing soon on how I finally beat psoriasis. I just went out and bought a pretty white skinny-strap knee-length dress to celebrate the fact that I can actually show my legs and arms this summer, instead of being covered from neck to toe. No, we don’t have the summers you Southerners must endure, but we are also less acclimatized to the heat we DO get, because it is SO short-lived. (Yesterday we had an unseasonably warm 35C day, which is, um, 95 degrees Fahrenheit. On June 3. I am sure there were some small children admitted into hospitals of dehydration.)
Anyhoo, psoriasis is triggered by a depressed immune system, showing up during times of stress or illness, just like hives. So when I get that posted, I will most definitely send you the link if I see you’ve been too busy to be around for a few days.
Kisses!