And Keep Your Hands to Yourself

I used to flog the dolphin
Used to choke the chicken
Used to spank the monkey
Used to fool with the tool
I used to whip the bishop
Used to wax the weasel
But now I learned one they never taught in school - You can’t come in
I hear you knockin’ but you can’t come in
I hear you knockin’ but you can’t come in
‘Cause I’m firing the Surgeon General*

         In 1994, when Joycelyn Elders—then serving as the Surgeon General of the United States—mentioned in an address at a United Nations conference on Aids that she felt masturbation should be included in school curricula as a safe and healthy alternative to sexual intercourse, she was forced to resign her post. Her dismissal resulted in a new euphemism for masturbation: “firing the Surgeon General.” 

        It’s hard to believe in a world responsible for air travel and the superinformation highway that a reasonable suggestion such as the one made by Ms. Elders would inspire that kind of knee-jerk response, but for centuries threats of hairy palms, blindness, and other debilitating physical ailments have been used by everyone from parents to priests in an attempt to frighten children into keeping idle hands from wandering to their own, private places. Even as late as the mid-twentieth century, doctors and scientists believed masturbation caused maladies such as insanity, acne, epilepsy, lethargy, and even early death, and as a result were bent on devising ways to combat it—from chastity belts fitted with metal spikes, to the denial of certain foods as innocuous as gravy, jelly, and salt and pepper. In the most recalcitrant cases, castration and clitoris removal were the remedies of choice. 

        Do those who indulge in masturbation really grow hair on their palms, go blind, and become round-shouldered and feeble-minded? Obviously not. If that were the case, considering Alfred Kinsey’s 1948 report in which he found that 92% of the male and 62% of the female population indulged in masturbation, most of our grandparents would be drooling, bumping into furniture, and dragging their knuckles on the floor. Shere Hite, sex educator, feminist, and originator of the Hite Report, conducted a study in 1981 on male sexuality and found the statistics were closer to 99% for male masturbation. If the old well-meaning but misinformed guardians of our genitalia were to be believed, Michael Jackson’s one white glove would certainly imply something far more disturbing than a temporary fashion trend. 

        The climate is changing, however—albeit slowly. Although there remain a few stalwart naysayers, primarily within fundamentalist, organized religions such as Roman Catholicism and Orthodox Judaism, masturbation is in the process of becoming not only no longer considered harmful, but actually beneficial to one’s overall health. Even Baptists have softened their stance. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, stated in his book Preparing for Adolescence, “It is my opinion that masturbation is not much of an issue with God.” While offering caveats in the case of obsessive-compulsive overindulgence or feelings of excessive guilt, he has also said that masturbation can be a healthy way to relieve sexual tension and avoid premarital sex. 

        In addition to the relieving of sexual tension and the alleviation of some of the temptation to partake in premarital sex—especially important for teenagers, who may be too emotionally immature for sexual relationships—masturbation offers several other incentives. For those who cannot find partners, it may be the only means by which they will ever experience the pleasure of an orgasm. Some people are unable to experience orgasms even with a partner, and must rely on their own means to experience them. Experimenting with various ways of bringing about orgasm can then lead to fulfillment with their partner, as they become aware of the ways in which they need to be touched. It can serve as an outlet for those who must abstain from sex due to the illness, pregnancy, or menstrual cycle of their partner. 

        Masturbation can also have more direct physical benefits. Dr. Daniel S. Stein, founder of Foundation For Intimacy and author of the book Passionate Sex, reports that as a result of its accompanying orgasm, masturbation indirectly prevents diseases due to an increase in the flow of white blood cells and the circulation of hormones throughout the body. It also stimulates endorphin production, providing a feeling of well-being, better oxygen stimulation, and more efficient functioning of cells. There is also recent evidence that, for men, more ejaculations early in life mean fewer occurrences of prostate cancer when they are older. 

        That orgasms contribute greatly to our emotional and physical health is a well-established fact in the modern medical community, and for some people the only way to achieve them is by masturbating. While it is inevitable that there will continue to be those who feel uncomfortable with masturbation, the time has come for it to be presented as a natural, normal element of human sexuality—and a viable alternative and companion to sexual intercourse. It should be encouraged by the authority figures in one’s life, not condemned. As Spartan cheerleaders Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri—in the timely Saturday Night Live sketch—enthusiastically exclaim: “Sex can wait! Masturbate!” That’s good advice. And if you do begin growing hair on your palms? You might want to stop using Rogaine as a lubricant.

*(Words and music by Roy Zimmerman, ©1995 Watunes BMI)