And Please Don’t Suggest Saran Wrap

On the way home from dropping the kids at school this morning, I started thinking. I do that a lot (in the car anyway; that, and sing to “Funkytown”). Anyway, I was thinking about how much I love to flirt. A few years ago I forgot how much I liked it because I went through a “hate men” stage, which was entirely my therapist’s fault so you can blame her. I’m really sorry now guys. Most of you are terrific. But because I was so gorgeous and hot when I was younger (c’mon, if I don’t retain some form of delusion I’ll wither and die), I always got the wrong kind of attention from you. Well, not YOU personally, but you know what I mean. Or maybe you don’t, so let me spell it out for you.

Wait, I don’t feel like it. So I’m just going to skip over those couple years of sharp, wicked manhatred and get to the part where I like you now. My flirtiness used to be tied up in conquest, but now it’s only friendly-flirting, the best kind. I flirt with my girlfriends, too, so they don’t feel left out. I flirt with everybody I like. Friendly-flirting has no boundaries, except for sex, and this is a pretty ironclad rule. Sorry. I didn’t make the rules, okay? so don’t yell at me. I keep telling you it’s my therapist’s fault.

I don’t flirt enough with Scott anymore. When you’ve been married for twenty years you tend to fall into the same old pattern of (fill-in-the-blank). It may be your pattern, but it’s still a rut and it can be hard to break out of. I’m afraid if I sidled up to him now and batted my baby greens he’d narrow his baby browns and ask, “Um, what do you want?” Flirting requires some element of mystery, and it’s hard to retain much mystery when you’ve seen each other throw up, have babies, cry inconsolably, or use rash cream where the sun don’t shine. Actually, now that I think about it (see, it happens even when I’m not in the car) flirting is mostly about playfulness and it feels like it’s been forever since we’ve felt light enough to play with each other. We laugh a lot, but laughing isn’t playing. Folks, you are witnessing the unfolding of a personal revelation here. I’ve been thinking we need a date night, but I think what we need more than anything is a play date. Any suggestions? xo