Girl on tap

I wish I came with two valves, one that expressed the darker aspects of human ego, and the other the lighter. I would wake up each morning and decide, say, that today I wanted to feel funny with a tinge of morbidity. Or give into grief but make people laugh about it. Or express anger, but with soft round edges. I would simply grasp the handles and twist, fine-tuning the resulting gush until it was just the flavor I desired.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. Let me change metaphors for a minute. Suddenly, directly behind me, a huge, red, rubber ball is bouncing along, bumping me in the head whenever I stop to feel or think about anything other than the errands I have to run. At night, it shrinks to take up residence in the pit of my stomach, and rises to the top of my mind when I wake in the wee hours, blossoming into an internal scream that goes on and on and on… Every morning it pops out to harass me from the outside, and every night it does its dirty work from within. I’m having a hard time controlling it. It’s bigger than me.

Yesterday, at lunch with Jean - because she’s wise and has lived through hell and because problems lurch into focus when they’re expressed aloud to a sympathetic listener - I was finally able to see the monster, not just feel it. Here are its fangs and claws: there are certain dynamics currently draining my emotional energy, which in turn affect my physical energy, which I then try to refuel with sugar and caffeine, which consequently wipes me out even more, and the hits keep rolling. Basically, I feel like crap and have been making myself feel worse every day in my attempt to survive.

What am I going to do about it? I don’t have a blessed idea - not yet. In fact, I’m going to pour myself a second cup of coffee in a minute, because until I have a healthier substitute comfort/escape I’d be crazy to rip it away. I need to go easy, ’cause while it’s better to eat peanut butter and apple slices than a cookie, those items are not going to heal my pain. They will help, but there are many ways to anesthetize pain. Some people do it with excessive exercise and fists full of carrot sticks. I’ve done that before. Because I’ve spent half my life on the rocky road to awareness, I know plenty of things I can do to help myself, and just need to take some time to cast about for which is best for me now. Life is a dance, but - even as distant as I feel from God right now - he’s my only partner. Otherwise, I’m alone. Other than Spirit, we are alone, despite the people who may surround us.

So, while I’m not depressed or functionally frantic, I’m in a tiny little boat on a choppy sea, trying to stay balanced. What a trip. Peace, maties. xo