Don’t you judge me

I came in here this morning to write a post, any post, any ridiculous or poignant or titillating post at all, but got caught up instead in watching YouTube videos of David and Amy Sedaris. David Sedaris is my favorite essayist in the world; his stories about himself and his family and all their “adventures” are some of the funniest I’ve ever read, and Amy, his sister, is a very gifted and hilarious character actress. I want to be her best friend. I want to be David’s best friend, too. I’ve written them dozens and dozens of letters every week for three years now asking if I can be their best friend, and have received only five form letters and a Lifesaver Candy Book last Christmas from David’s assistant, Ronny. I’m hopeful. I think this will be the year.

I’m a hivey person. I never used to be; it’s only been in the last year or so that I started breaking out in hives at any sign of stress, and believe you me, I have a stressful life. I have to get out of bed every morning, and am responsible for taking the dogs out to pee. That’s every single morning. So you can see why I’m susceptible to the hives. The whole problem started when I was in 8th grade and got chicken pox. I don’t know where I got the pox from, but in the interest of “paying it forward”, I remember sneaking into my brother’s room while he was sleeping and breathing right into his nose, and rubbing my pillowcase on his mouth, because I was bored and didn’t want to be home alone while he went off and had all that fun at school. Subsequently, Danny and I spent two glorious fun-filled weeks screaming at each other, enduring oatmeal baths, and comparing and measuring the depth of our respective pocks. I still have my first one, right on the base of my hairline, at the top of my forehead. You really have to dig to get those babies to last for 28 years, and I couldn’t be prouder.

Let me give you a little lesson in medical stuff. There’s this virus called “varicella-zoster”, okay? - which is, let’s say, like the ocean. From the Varicella-Zoster Sea flow many tributaries, one of which is herpes, something I do NOT have, Ronny, so don’t you go telling David or Amy I do, and another of which is chicken pox and all its various runnels and rivulets. Because I got the chicken pox that one time, I have had to endure shingles, swimmer’s ear, bunions, scabby knees, hairy knuckles, thick ankles, split ends, and the latest glorious incarnation, heil hitler: hives.

The hives that had taken up residence on my thighs are gone now, but my legs still feel like they’re crawling with them. I’m on massive doses of allergy medication, which alters my perception of reality and reduces me to quivering mounds of green jello at any provocation, of which there is MUCH, remember? Taking the dogs out every morning? Hello? So don’t you judge me for watching the Sedaris’s this morning instead of writing to you first thing. I’m sending you all Lifesaver Candy Books this Christmas, if I can stop scratching my legs long enough to get to the store. Hey you guys! It’s a gorgeous day. kiss! xo